A Father's Love

To say that I grew up in a home that was spiritually dysfunctional would be quite an understatement. My atheist dad went to extremes to prove that God did not exist. If I had any notion to believe there was a God, my dad was quick to prove to me that if there was a God, He would not love me because I was such a bad child. My dad would squash all belief in me by proving to me that if there was a God, He would not let such horrible things happen to me.

And why would God love me if my own mom and dad did not love me? That was the prevailing message for me throughout the years. As I heard so many people talk about God as a Father, I cringed as I thought of my own dad as my only experience with a “father.” My dad was mean, hateful and abusive in every way possible. It was easy for me to run as far and as fast as I could from anything “fatherly,” even God.

My perception of a father was one of pain and evil and deception. A father to me was not a protector and definitely not a picture of love.

For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in. Psalm 27:10.

When I became a Christian, it was easy to see God as very opposite of what my dad had said He was. But, because what I believed a father was, I could not see God as a Father nor that He could love me. I just knew if I could not be good enough for my own parents to love, God could never love me either.

Soon after becoming a Christian, I was allowed an opportunity to become friends with a very grounded, Christian woman. She was incredibly open to sharing her faith, her trials and how her faith had gotten her through those trials. Her entire family welcomed me into their home. As the friendship grew, I started to spend more time with Jodi, Todd and Matt.

One day last year, I had planned with Jodi to make cupcakes with Matt and his friends. I remember sinking that morning to a low point of not feeling as though I could ever be good enough to be loved by a Father. As I walked to the door, I wiped away the tears and was resigned to just accepting the reality and went about the afternoon baking cupcakes.

As I watched Jodi helping Matt crack eggs, stir the batter and ice the cupcakes, I began to see a new picture unfolding before my eyes. Could I really be seeing a mother who loves her son so much that she includes him in everything she is doing? That wasn’t the picture of a parent’s love that I was used to.

Todd would soon call to let Jodi know he was headed home. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Matt as Jodi relayed to him that his dad was on his way home. Matt’s eyes lit up and there was a look of anticipation on his face.

Only God could have prepared my heart for what I would see next. We could all hear the garage door opening and Matt was becoming more excited. As Todd walked in, Matt’s eyes locked onto him. He walked over to Matt, giving him a peck on the forehead and immediately let him know he was so glad to be home. I listened as Todd told him how much he loved him and had missed him and thought about him throughout the day. I watched in awe as Matt’s eyes stayed locked on Todd. There was no other word to describe the look in Matt’s face, except love.

In that moment, God was painting a new picture in my heart.

I was seeing a father who loves his son unconditionally. There is nothing that Matt could do or not do to change that love. I saw in Matt’s face, in his eyes and expressions, that he knew his father loved him. There was no question; he knew the love and nothing else mattered during that moment.

The picture was like a lake view reflection of God’s love for His children.

It is with this experience and so many others I have been so privileged to see through the Arnold family, which has allowed me to rewrite my definition of what a father should be. I am finding many pieces along the way from watching a lot of parents and children now, and it helps me to continue building on the foundation of what a parent’s love is for their child.

Each day puts me farther away from the old, dysfunctional perception of what a father is and closer to what I believe God wants my perception to be. I know that God is preparing me to be able to accept that yes, He can love me that way.