Time After Time

Throughout my life, no matter what circumstance I was going through, I could always find music that I could identify with or take something from that made me feel a little better.  I enjoyed listening to it. Loved singing to it. And, taught myself how to play it.  I've long since given up the dream of being able to continue teaching myself to play it.  But I still had to listen to and sing.

For me, the darker the time I am in the less music I listen to and lately...I've listened to none of it and I am silenced. It is hard to believe that something that has carried me through so many horrible and discouraging times is no longer of any help. 

As I began to think through my silence, I was reminded of a song that got me through many long nights. "Time After Time" by Cindy Lauper may not sound like the kind of song that stays with you for over 25 years, but it has.

In the early 80's, music videos were on every Friday and Saturday night.  I think that is where I heard the music the first time.  Even at that young elementary age, I listened to the words.  I don't know what the real meaning behind this song is, but I know what it said to me.  To me, this was about a person who would never turn their back on me.   Someone who cares about me so much that they would never walk away and never think about me again.  And, this opened the door to the thought that someone could be big and strong enough to take me out of the house I was in or protect me from being hurt.

I know this was my way of fantisizing about something which could never happen in the hell I was living in at the time. That really wasn't the part of this song that meant the most to me.

Without giving too much information, I can say that it was not uncommon for me to have to spend hours comforting two younger brothers.  I often saw in their faces the same fear and pain that I felt but tried to hide from them.  I always felt like I had to hide my fear and pain to give them hope that things would get better.

I remember holding my shaking, crying little brother in my arms one night.  I was all of 10 years old and doing my best to comfort a 5 year old who was fearful we might not live.  I needed him to know that I was not going to leave him and that I would never go too far away.  I needed him to feel the safety I could not.

As I held him tight, I sang the song to him.  I remember very clearly fighting tears back.  I too was fearful that this would never be true for him either. 

When I moved out of my parents house at 18, my brother went through a very angry phase.  I know he felt abandoned by me and understandably so.  I had left him when I had always promised not to.  Again, I found myself knowing I would never turn my back on him completely.

It has been over four years since I have talked to either of my brothers.  From a distance, I still sing this song for both of them.  Maybe not for what the song means, but what it meant for me.  I still want them protected and cared for above anything else.  Through the hurt and pain that has separated us, I still care deeply about them and only want the best for them.   My heart breaks for all that distances us and I weep for all that has been lost between us.

But.......They can still look and find me, time after time.  If they fall I'll be waiting, time after time.

Time After Time
Lying in my bed, I hear the clock ticks, and think of you
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flash back, warm night, almost left behind
Suitcase of memories...
Time after

Sometimes you pictured me, I'm walking too far ahead
You're callin' to me, I can't hear what you've said
You said, "Go slow, I fall behind"
The second hand unwinds...

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting,
Time after time

I turn, my picture fades, and darkness has turned to grey
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm okay
Secrets, stolen, from deep inside,
The drum beats out of time...

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting,
Time after time


If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting,
Time after time



Time after time...