I don't usually discuss my dreams here. They are typically weird or nightmares. They aren't usually worthy of discussion. The one I had tonight speaks to where I am at emotionally and mentally right now.
While reading this, I think it's important to remember where I came from. Parents and many others planted the message deep inside me that I am of no value. Over and over, I heard how worthless and unloved I was. Believable when your parents show zero affection or love at all, not a hint of caring at all. A difficult message to erase, nearly impossible. One that lies beneath the surface, waiting to sneak back into daily thinking regardless of how hard you've worked to wash it away. I have worked hard for ten years to defeat that message and yet, it lingers.
Now, just a brief reminder of how I spent 2 1/2 years while living in Ohio. I was not well received and very disliked. I was an outsider. No matter how hard I tried, I didn't fit in. Very few were kind and even those eventually turned on me. I only have contact with one person since leaving. During that time, most of my relationships back home fell apart. The distance was too great. I spent most of that 2 1/2 years being very lonely. Part of me knew that it was the nature of where I lived. Probably the majority of me took it very personally and wondered what was wrong with me. I wrote about it at the time.
Circling back to my dream...
I had a goal, something I was trying to accomplish. I couldn't get help. People shared notes and verbal expressions of disgust. They did not help because they didn't like me. Their disgust was with me, the person I am. I was not good enough, not worthy of them or their time. Every person, familiar and unfamiliar. I was not of value. Before waking up, I had two people standing in front of me, my husband and my mom. My husband said his life would have been better without me. My mom said she told I would be better off dead.
I woke up honestly questioning if this is true. I haven't had a lot of messages to counter those in a few years. Before we moved, I had a happy life. Sure, there were issues I had to work through, but I had friends, lots of them. I felt loved. I had a semi average relationship with my youngest brother. I had two best friends, one of two years and one of 15 years. I was rarely alone, in fact, almost never. It had taken a few years to get there, but I had a full life the last few years we were in KC.
I don't have any of that now. It's all gone. Disappeared. I have one person who sends a bible verse daily. I have another person who texts most days. She doesn't get too deep unless it's about her and even she's told me that she hates me at times. There are a couple women I've done things with on occasion, but even those relationships have dissipated. There has been promises of girls nights and trips. There have been many "we should ...." But, it doesn't happen. If I remove the one person I actually do see on occasion, I would say in a years time I have only had a total of 10-12 social interactions with people.
My only other human contact is with my husband. An average person who goes through a major loss, major job change, major move or a huge amount of stress will often go through a period of not being like themselves. My husband has gone through all of those things in the past year or so. He has not been himself. Like any spouse, I am the safe place to take his anger, frustration and high emotions. He really has not been himself since we moved to Ohio. I have taken a lot of his stress in verbal form. I know it's not because he doesn't love me. He does.
It is hard when the only person you have constant contact with tears you down instead of builds you up. I know the constant complaining, lack of compliments, picking at my flaws and harsh words are more about him than me. But, there is only so much anyone can take. When your emotional bank account is drained, it's even harder. I literally have nothing in my life that puts anything back from what's been depleted.
A few years running on an empty tank has allowed those old messages to creep back in to my daily thinking. It makes sense. I have nothing to counter them. In fact, most of my life right now feeds them. Most days I am alone. Thoughts creep into my head. Real thoughts that have come from real life. Daily, they are there.
Maybe I am abnormal. When I text repeatedly over months and get no response or told a friend is too busy, I am accepting of that. I know that people are busy. But then, I go on social media and see how they are off having a great time with this friend or that. Over and over, I see it happen and with multiple people. It's hard. I begin to question what is wrong with me. Am I too needy? I try not to be. Am I a terrible person, like my husband says? I didn't think so, I thought that was his personal frustration. Am I unloving or uncaring? I never thought so, I try to check in on people going through things. Am I unlovable or unworthy, like my parents said? Yes. That is where I end up. That is the one I can't counter. That must be it.
Now don't think I sit in a pity party. I don't. I go on about my days and this is really the only place I ever put my thoughts about it into words. Only on rare occasion do I ever say anything about it to my husband. The past messages that were real and a few years of difficulty in relationships, I am sure you can see why I would spiral into that line of thinking.
I end up with two thoughts. I must accept that this is my reality and it may continue to be for the rest of my life. My desire to have people in my life was something that came after becoming a Christian. Maybe it was something God wanted for a time, but is obviously not the plan for always. I thought the bible was clear that we were meant to be with other people, but maybe that isn't the case. Maybe I was meant to live a very isolated life with little social interaction.
The other thought is the one that breaks my heart. I don't know how to be anything but myself. Outside of hiding my history with abuse, I have always been a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. If I love you, I genuinely do my best to show you. I feel things very deeply and take relationships very seriously.
My family, my husband, maybe they are right. I am a terrible, unlovable person. I obviously have a personality that repels people. Maybe not at first, but everyone eventually leaves. My longest friendship was 17 years and that one is over. I rarely have any relationships that last longer than 2 years and usually don't last longer than 1 year. The people I was close to four years ago aren't in my life now. Friends I had 10 years ago, I have no contact with now. I am the common denominator. It is logical to believe that I am exactly what they say I am. I am worthless to this world.
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