Mental Wellness

Mental health is in the news more now than ever. The general population has a better (still not great) understanding of what depression is along with anxiety and PTSD. For the first time ever, I heard PTSD referred to as an illness caused by trauma and not just the "soldier's" illness.

Of course it is usually tragedy that brings discussion on mental illness. There's still stigma. There's still a huge lack of understanding and misunderstanding.

One of the things that makes me anxious when we've moved is how I will fit in with people who don't know me. That's crazy, because I fit in perfectly with people who don't know me. Too well! Nobody ever suspects there is a problem. I suppose my fear should actually come from the idea of someone getting to know me, the real me.

Before our first move nearly four years ago, I had an awesome support system. It had taken a while to get established and wasn't without trials. I had friends who knew me and loved me despite the truth of who and what I was.

When we moved to Ohio, I made the mistake of just assuming people would be just as loving and compassionate as that support system I had back home. Not so! They bristled against anyone who willingly said "I have issues." Ohio was also when my counseling stopped.

Despite the relational issues in Ohio, I had good mental health through those 2 1/2 years. I was strong, or so I thought. No, I was. Strong enough to attempt things I previously thought impossible.

I took one semester of classes online. They were hard, but passed. I succeeded and failed simultaneously. I had a successful semester and had enrolled in the next. My goal was a degree in christian counseling. Despite how well I did, I nearly had a full blown breakdown. The entire thing set my anxiety off in ways I could not control. I started not sleeping and barely making it through a day without a full blown anxiety attack.

After talking with my husband, we determined that maybe I wasn't quite ready for this type of stress. I was upset that I had failed to complete my goal, but happy that I had the energy to try. I could have chosen to not even try.

The following year, I agreed to return to work on a very part time basis. This was a disaster. It was an absolute failure. It was in a job that wasn't well defined and too many church politics. It too increased my anxiety and caused me to become more and more distant from my daily duties.

Again, after discussing with my husband, we determined it was too soon. Truthfully, it was probably a combination of wrong place and wrong timing. I was happy that I tried, but of course upset to not succeed.

The truth is that my anxiety, ptsd and other issues are a hinderance in working. I never know when they will flare up and all of those things make me unreliable and difficult.

I have been asked here if I will look for a job. Believe me, I would love to contribute to the household  income.

While we lived in KC, I got a little counseling. It was more for the trials that came with Kent's job and there was no work on any issues related to my anxiety, ptsd, etc. We didn't really have enough time to get into that during the few months of counseling.

Here, I have no counseling. We are still getting settled. I haven't even looked into what is available. This area is bigger than where we lived in Ohio, so there is a little better chance to get counseling here.

Maybe it is because our time in KC was so hard, but I didn't start out quite as well off here as I did in Ohio. It has been more difficult here. I find myself triggered a lot more here, probably backsliding a lot more.

I stay at home unless there's a reason to get out. I try not go to the grocery store without my husband. I get so overwhelmed that I hate being out alone. Honestly, if I can stay in a routine at home then I do ok. Getting out of the routine is hard and throws my day and maybe my whole week off. It isn't so much ocd, but the anxiety.

This move has been the hardest. We've had more problems with the actual move and house than in any other place. And that's saying a lot since our first move was into a house that was trashed.

So for now, there won't be a job. I'm not even looking, not interested in looking for one. I am best off at home where I have safety and my dogs to ground me.

It is interesting how some of this seems to come from flexibility and how much I have to be flexible. This move has pushed me to be flexible in a lot of ways. But, it's like I have zero flexibility left to give in other areas of my life and I have to be a little more rigid in order to maintain some stability. Although as I read that through, I realize you might have to be a professional to understand that.

All that to say, I'm trying to maintain some stability but it's been hard this time. My mental wellness has taken a hit over the past year and through this move. It might take some time to get back what I've lost.