It has been a crazy five months and I'll have to detail all that later. There are a few things triggering me on a daily basis and I feel like I need to put it somewhere instead of letting it swirl in my head.
I am getting ready to pay off my student loan from 2015. In 2014, I had some big revelation that I'm not sure I truly understood or maybe I just wasn't ready for it.
After going through some really tough stuff, I let someone convince me that my purpose in life was to help others who have been through tough stuff. I needed something in my life at the time. I was looking for purpose. It seemed like I was reading it all right. The thing about listening to someone else's plan for your life is that it might not actually be the right plan for your life. It wasn't mine.
I enrolled at Liberty University pursuing a degree in christian counseling. I took a semester of classes. That semester and two more full of psych classes were all I needed to have a christian counseling degree.
Something I learned during that was that I wasn't ready for classes. My PTSD set me up for extreme stress and painful crashes when I put high pressure on myself to succeed. I aced the semester, but by the time it was over I was a hot mess. I was having anxiety attacks multiple times per day. After a lot of soul searching and discussion with my husband, school was not going to work for me. It was too much pressure and my PTSD made it nearly impossible to balance.
The other thing I learned was that the complexity of my trauma has and will continue to make it impossible for me to sit face to face and listen to others' trauma. Being a counselor was not the plan for my life.
Several months ago, I had someone ask me why I didn't finish college the first time I started.
That started a lot of questioning and thinking and even memories. Fast forward to the past week of going through some old paperwork and a variety of other triggers.
Going to college the first time was no simple task. I had excellent grades in high school and that led to a variety of scholarships. My major was journalism and it was an area I excelled. I had been accepted to a handful of community colleges and universities. I could have gone just about anywhere with my grades and ACT score.
Shortly after my high school graduation, I moved out of my house. I had three jobs and could fully support myself. I could not stay there. I had committed to two years at the local community college and then had planned to head to KSU to finish.
I had good grades in my first year of college. I was active in the journalism program.
Here's the problem...
I couldn't leave. I still had what I felt was a responsibility to my younger brothers. I was still supporting them financially. I was still bailing them out of tough spots. I was still there when they needed me. I was still around to make sure they survived home. I gave them places to hide after they got into fist fights with my dad.
After a year in school, I took an additional job and never went back to school. All my time was spent working and still living in the dysfunction of my original home. I was trapped in this crazy life.
It was impossible to move into adulthood fully and succeed with college.
I have a sense of anger and frustration. I should have finished college years ago. I had a bright future ahead of me, but a dark past that wouldn't let go of me.
Honestly, I am not sure the dark past ever lets go. It's more of a fight to get away from it.
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