Bigger than the average bear?

After reading the post I wrote last night, a friend asked me why I was so afraid to share what is going on in my life.

The point she made was well taken. She said that it would help to know more specifically how to pray for me and I so appreciate that. She said that we all go through trials in life. Again, her point was well taken.

I know that there are worse things I could be dealing with in life.

No, the doctor didn't walk in the room and tell me I have a stage four cancer with a two month death sentence. So, I know there are way worse things. I know there are other things in life that require even more treatment and are more urgent.

My counselor uses the phrase "Bigger than the average bear." While I haven't been handed a death sentence, I do have a problem with minimizing everything to do with my current and past issues. She has really helped me to begin to grasp the magnitude of issues by continuing to speak truth about them.

To address the thought that we all go through tough times, I can fully appreciate that as I'm learning to not minimize every situation. For me, my issues are big because they spiraled out of control until they knocked me on my emotional and mental and physical butt.

I have been dealing with post traumatic stress for many years, although only diagnosed in the past 18 months. I did my best for over 34 years to not allow the PTSD to keep me from putting on a happy face and living my life without everyone around me knowing the struggles I went through, daily.

After several years, the PTSD wiped me out. I have gone months without sleeping more than a few hours a day. Flashbacks have put me in precarious positions at work, at home and even in public places. With those things alone, I feel fortunate to have been able to maintain a job and as many relationships as I have over the past few years.

With the most recent diagnosis and symptomology that has come with it, I cannot work. I cannot drive. I cannot be in busy, loud places.

So, to address the other point, I'd like to be able to say "just cause." I realize it is hard to be understanding when you don't know what it is that you need to be understanding of.

But friends, what I am dealing with is "bigger than the average bear." It is for me and I know it would be for those who care about me as well.

For my therapist, I may fit a certain criteria for a diagnosis. My diagnosis may be more common than what I realize. My insurance company may know that I am a five digit medical code. I may be all those things and more in the medical world.

BUT, I'm still me. My mental disorder may be smacking me in the face right now, but I try my best to not lose sight of the fact that I am still a human and not a label.

You may still be asking why I am so protective of a diagnosis.

Even though it is a big part of my life right now, I am still struggling to understand the diagnosis I have been given. My husband, my counselor, and a couple friends are literally feeling our way through this process right now. We are all at a disadvantage in that none of us have the support or knowledge of others who have been through this same disorder.

The one thing that I think we all agree on is that the disorder is misunderstood enough that the general public has many misconceptions about it. I believe that we all agree that there may be a time and place to share the information pieces at a time with those close to me. But, now is not the time. A time when we all better understand will be an easier time to share.

I truely hate that I cannot share fully with those close to me. Not only does it put a strain on relationships, but it leaves me feeling incredibly alone.

To those close to me who may continue to ask the questions, please remember that no, this is not my forever. The same applies to you and the relationship I have with each person. No, this is not my forever and yes, someday I will be able to share the amazing journey God has taken me through.