It's hard to believe that it has been since September that I have visited this blog. My life has taken many twists and turns since I last blogged here. In fact, I have started a new blog where I share my thoughts about all that is going on right now. Sadly though, I can't publish those things for the world to see at this time.
While it's freeing to be able to share some of the chains that have held our hearts for years and years, there are times that the journey needs to be kept a little more private.
I've stumbled through the past few months, knowing that the struggle I face right now is not one that the general public would understand. It's so hard to feel like those chains are lifted when you can't share the truth with those close to you.
Not that I am alone in this journey. I have my loving husband, who loves me no matter what the issue. I have a wonderful counselor, who despite my best attempts to push her away, has stayed by my side and reminded me that "No, this is NOT your forever." I have a therapist, who also despite my best attempts to take other paths, always manages to prove he does know more than me. And, I have two amazing confidants who allow me to be mad, be confused, talk through my anxieties and continue to remind me that they love me and will not judge me.
I know there are others who care and who likely wonder why I withdraw from them or large groups of people. I can only hope and pray that when the time comes to explain to them the journey I had to take, they will understand.
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to kill, a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; Ecc 3:1,3-4.
The past two months, I have learned it's ok to fight for myself. Everyday seems to come with a unique fight. I've had to fight for rest. I have fought with insurance companies over my own standard of care. I have to fight the guilt of walking away from my job for now, daily. I have fought to understand. When Satan wages war against me every single night, I have to fight for my life.
I know I am learning lessons along the way. And, every once in while I get a glimpse of God. But, it's so hard to see, remember and hang onto those things when you are caught in the storm for so long.
Several people have asked what I need during this time. For so long, I really didn't know. It is only now that I know there are two things I desparately need get through this.
Prayer, lots and lots of prayer and not just for me. I need prayer for all those I listed above. I need them continue to stay healthy and strong, as well as steady in faith. It's taken a lot to trust each of them, but in God's timing that has happened and I know they are my foundation right now. I need prayer for so many others who care about me. Some of those people have been hurt, some may be confused by my actions. I need prayer that they will some day understand.
I need prayer for my family. None of my immediate family has a belief in Christ. My brothers and their families need prayer, not only for salvation, but also for healing.
The other thing I so desire and need right now are people who care to surround me and accept me. I struggle every day to understand and believe in God's love for me. Now, more than ever, I need those who care to show me that unconditional love of others does exist.
Not sleeping at night gives me plenty of time to pray for those around me. And yes, if you've gotten to the end of this entry, you too have been prayed for.
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