Rethinking

I have spent the last two days unfolding yet another piece of my past. It's like pulling gym clothes out of a bag and unfolding the pieces one by one, not knowing what kind of mess you will find.

One of the hardest parts of the unfolding is trying to reform my way of thinking about life. Around each corner, I find yet another place where I come face to face with what I previously thought was real with a light shining on the truth. Most of the time, what I thought was real and what is true are two completely different things.

If you had asked me throughout my life what my childhood was like, I would have been completely honest with you. I had good grades, I was happy, my dad was mean and I had a cousin who molested me. I may have not shared the part about my cousin so willingly, but that is exactly what I said and believed about my past.

On August 3, 2007, a light began to shine in my life. That was the day I accepted that I was a sinner and that the only way to eternal salvation was through Christ. Little did I know, another light would soon begin shining in my life. The light of truth shown brightly on a past that was dark and hidden.

The box I had neatly packed all the truth of my life in was bursting open. Everything I knew as real was changing day by day. I didn't have a choice, I had to rethink and reform every thought I had about my life.

For me, that was like thinking the sky was green only to find out after 32 years that it was in fact, blue. That kind of thinking is difficult to change and at times, feels impossible. It's hard to know something one day and be told the next that it is all wrong.

It has taken lots of time, but I have completely reformed what I believe about my childhood. Ask me, I'll tell you what I now believe the truth to be. Yes, I did get good grades and my cousin did moleste me. Yes, my dad was mean, but mean doesn't fairly depict who my dad really was. No, I was not happy. Yes, there is a lot more abuse and dysfunction than I ever thought possible.

Just as I have many times over the past two years, I am again faced with believing one thing but the truth being completely different. And, just like all the other times, I'm doing my best to rethink what I knew and let the light shine on the truth. It's once again difficult to accept truth over what I know.

Once again, I feel overwhelmed by having to rethink what I believed to be true. I hope in six months, I can look at this time too and be able to say, "When I finally accepted what was true, I was able to never be bound by that horrific memory again."

The beauty of rethinking and accepting what is really true is feeling the bonds of your heart disappearing. Oh, I long for that day once again.