Good Grief

One of the things I do very well is hiding and suppressing all forms of emotion which could cause crying.  But, I'm sitting here tonight unable to contain the tears.  After spending the entire evening in the kitchen, I really had no reason for crying.  Cooking and baking makes me happy, so the tears were unexpected.

Most of what is going on in my life is making me angry, not sad.  What sadness in my life was so overwhelming that I could only cry?

The past couple weeks, I have been organizing meals for a couple having a baby and had spent the evening cooking for a couple who recently had a baby. I had filled out cards today for a couple friends who just had babies or are having babies. I get online tonight and see updated pictures of babies.

Babies!  I have cried plenty because everyone around me seemed to be able to have babies.  This was incredibly different.

Kent and I tried our first few years of marriage to have a baby and failed.  As soon as we gave up, I found out I was pregnant with twins.  At about 12 weeks, I lost the first baby with a spontaneous miscarriage.  The second baby continued to grow and remain healthy.  We knew the baby was a boy.  I could feel our little miracle moving around and we were excited.  We had bought a stroller, toy box, clothes, blankets and found a baby bed.

Our little baby was due just a month after our 3rd anniversary.  At 23 weeks, I got very sick, not eating or drinking much for a week and thought I had a stomach bug.  Kent was out of town and I was worried that my dehydration would not good for the baby.  I headed to the hospital, thinking I would get fluids and meds and head back home. 

The details are still a blur to me once I got to the hospital.  What I do remember is the doctor saying he was so sorry and telling me that I should hold my baby boy just once.  After several hours and losing my baby boy, I drove myself home. 

My little boy, so tiny and lifeless in my arms, has remained a clear picture in my mind.  I have hated the doctor who insisted I hold him and at times have been thankful he did.  While we never decided on a name, I was fond of Tyler.  That five minutes of saying hello and goodbye to my baby boy was the shortest and yet longest five minutes of my life.  I love that baby boy in a way I cannot explain.

I'm not sure I really talked to anyone about what happened and certainly never felt any emotion over it.  I think the only thing I felt was empty.

The following year, I would go through another familiar experience.  I carried a baby girl for nearly 22 weeks.  The pregnancy was very high risk and ended after taking a nasty fall down half our stairs.  Again, I went through the loss alone while Kent was out of town.  Again....no emotions and no talking about it.

Three more times during the past 10 years, I would go through similar experiences all at 10 weeks or less.  No talking, no emotions.  By then, it was completely routine.  I never got my hopes up and ever held onto any hope of being a mother.

As I sit here, I know that overwhelming sense of sadness is the loss of each of those babies.  Each tear I cry is for each "mommy" I'll never hear and for each lullaby I'll never get to sing.  My heart is broken and I realized I have suffered great losses.  Those weren't just things, those were my babies...my children...my hope of grandchildren...my legacy.  I have suffered great loss and I am finally heartbroken.

I don't know why now I am finally feeling this loss.  I have enough going on in my life that I don't need to have an additional thing to feel emotion over right now.  I've asked many times tonight, "Really, God? Right now? Are you sure it has to be right now?" 

I suppose there is no good time to grieve losses like this.  Just as I suppose that there is nothing which helps this make sense.  With no hope now of ever having a child, I find it even harder to understand why this is my store and my heart is broken.