Where's the life jacket?

Why is it that when you feel like you are about to drown, the life jacket is just too far to reach?

It seems like my life is a lot that way right now.  I still struggle to understand or believe in prayer.  So while I wade through that life around me is crumbling apart.  And ya know what?  When you dont' think prayer is useful, it leaves you with nothing to hang onto.

Not that my life was all put together before, because it wasn't.  In fact, my life tends to swirl in the pit most days (actually nights, but that's another story).  But it seems the past month has brought a new challenge each week.

One that I've been open with in this forum is the current concerns with my mother-in-laws health.  She failed the verbal tests and all medical tests indicated no cause for the memory loss.  Last week, she had an MRI to compare with one done last year.

She got the results of the MRI comparison today.  She has cerebral atrophy with more on the left than the right.  There are several diseases which could cause the atrophy, but the most probable is Alzheimer's.  She exhibits many of the symptoms of Alzheimer's and failed the verbal tests for this particular type of dementia.

On Friday, she will have a consultation with a Neurologist and we hope to know more.

The flood of emotions are beginning for my husband.  He's angry, REALLY angry.  He loves his mom dearly, so I understand his anger.  I also know he feels like he has missed the past five years with her because he has been taking care of me.

I'm not sure I'm ready for all of this.  I don't have my life jacket, it's still too far away to reach.  I'm not emotionally able to take on one more thing.  I'm not at all capable to handling my own stress and my stressed, emotional husband.  I'm not just being selfish, I'm being honest. 

As much as I wanted her to find out what was wrong with her, I wasn't ready for that to happen.  Bottom line...I'm not close enough to God to be able to go through this with my husband. 

There are dynamics to this that I can't understand and make me of little help to my husband.  I don't know what it's like to love a parent and I certainly haven't been in a health crisis with a loved parent. 

I get worried about my husband, but now I'm really worried about him.  He works in a high stress job.  He works three jobs.  He has a house that is still undone that he works so hard on when he has a free minute.  He beats himself up over everything.  He has to take care of me.  Now he has this on his plate.  He does have a small support system, but nowhere near what he will need. 

How do I trust he will be ok when I don't even trust that I will be ok?  Ack!  I wish I had more faith right now.  I really do.  At least then I'd know that the life jacket was within reach for both of us.