MIL Chaos

For the first time in a year, we went back and stayed with my husband's parents.  There are plenty of good reasons for us not to spend a lot of time there and this stay added another.

Things are just not the same with his mom's dementia.  Without question, dementia is unpredictable.  Sometimes are better than others and hers is progressing very rapidly.

Our visit started with my husband having to explain to his mom several times on a phone call that we were staying all night Christmas Eve.  Not too big of a deal since she actually did know who she was talking to at the time. 

Once we arrived at the house, it was busy as we would have expected.  But, it was a very different kind of busy.

My sister-in-law had made several of the traditional dishes for Christmas dinner and working on pies.  As she stood over a hot stove stirring up pie filling, my mother-in-law hovered over her shoulder.  It reminded me of an anxious child hovering with their mother in the kitchen.  At the time I didn't realize just how true that analogy would be.

My sister-in-law had to constantly tell her mom to not touch the stove; not to set plastic things on the hot burners; not to pour in ingredients that weren't needed.  Child-like indeed.

She let me know what was needed for the next day prior to leaving and let me know that her mom was actually having a really good day.  Oy!!!  This was a good day?  We had only been there an hour, what would happen next?

The four of us finally settled in the living room to watch a movie.  Once my mother-in-law went to bed, we got a chance to talk to my father-in-law.  That was eye opening to say the least.

He shared with us that despite what he tells people, he knows her condition has gotten a lot worse in the past six months.  As I suspected, he spends a great deal of his time taking care of her.  He takes them out to eat a lot so that she doesn't cook.  He drives her where she needs to go, as well as runs the errands for others that she used to be able to do. 

Quite honestly he also shared with us his growing frustration.  He said he often loses his cool with her when he shouldn't.  This is one of the ways the health care system of a small town has failed him, her and the entire family.  At no time during this entire process has any health care provider suggested counseling or support groups for any of them.

After tossing and turning most of the night, I woke up early and prepped myself to help with dinner.  I didn't realize what a chore that would be.  Actually, the night before I had been quite offended when my sister-in-law told me how to prepare green beans.  Good grief!!!  That's a slam for a foodie like me who thrives in the kitchen.

The turkey and ham were smoked and only needed to be heated.  Much to my surprise, they were both put in the oven at a high temp for 4 hours prior to serving.  They were cooked as if they were raw.  Not a mistake my mother-in-law would have made in previous years.

The green beans were already on the stove by 9 am.  In fact, so were noodles, gravy, potatoes and basically everything else we were fixing that morning.  There was nothing left to do but manage her.

Every 10 minutes, she wanted to turn all the burners on high.  So, I spent a lot of time following her from room to room and redirecting her to go relax in the living room.

During a couple of our short stays in front of the tv, my mother-in-law tried to have casual conversation. 

She asked my husband where he was working now.  He's had the same job for over 13 years and she's visited his office.  She asked when our kids were coming.  She asked me if I was going to marry one of her boys.  At least she knows she has boys.  She referred to one of our dogs has hers.  She told me how she had to go back to work after Christmas.  She retired a couple years ago.  I asked her if she knew my name, she didn't but knew I was her daughter.  I am not, but I'm sure she thought I was.

Thankfully, the time finally came to finish up lunch in the kitchen.  Trying to salvage the turkey and ham, I opened the oven to baste the turkey and glaze the ham.  She went in to pull the pans out with her bare hands before I grabbed her, pulling her away. 

As she hovered over me like she was a child, I found myself doing little besides keeping her from burning herself on the stove.  My father-in-law had reached his breaking point and had begun raising his voice, something I'd never heard before then. 

I suppose cleverly and sadly, I sent her looking for various unnecessary items in the kitchen while I was in crunch time with dinner prep.  While it kept her busy for an hour, it was sad that she could so easily be redirected with meaningless tasks. 

Once everyone arrived, we started lunch.  She had to be told how to fill her plate and that she needed to eat something besides dessert.  Other than that, she got very quiet.  I really believe the room was filled with people who were only vaguely familiar, if at all and she was uncomfortable. 

The rest of the day was much the same.  Quiet and somber.  For us, it was surreal and sad.  It was a long quiet drive home, trying to digest all we had witnessed. 

It's difficult to grasp that last year was better than this year and this year will be the best Christmas we have with her in the future.  It's a sad reality to know she will never improve.  As hard as this holiday was, they are sure to get harder. 

What a difference a year makes, indeed.  She had some obvious quirks last year at Christmas time.  The day after Christmas last year was when my husband sat his parents down and insisted they try to figure out what was wrong with her.  In just a years time, she's diminished to this.  There are no brakes to throw on this spiral.  There's nothing humanly possible left to do that's going keep her from getting worse. 

Above all else, my heart breaks for my husband and his family.  The journey with dementia is a long, painful one that nobody would ever choose to take.