Birthday Breakdown

The week of my birthday always makes me think of my grandparents and this year is no different.  It is such a mix of emotions for me. 

When thinking back on experiences with this particular set of grandparents, I cannot deny that I do have some fond memories.  I always have to mention that they were still highly dysfunctional.  There was a long list of terrible things which happened in their house, including molestation.  As terrible as they were, they were the best of what I had.

Birthdays were celebrated by my grandparents, especially my grandma.  You can read about some of that in a post from last year by clicking here.

I think it is a healthy desire to want to be celebrated on your birthday.  It is a monumental day.  The day you took your first breath.  The day your life began.  (yea, yea I know life starts at conception but this day is just as important to the continuation of life)  It is a day each year to remember you came into existence because it was meant to be. 

Since my grandma died in 1998, nobody in my family has celebrated my birthday.  I used to get an occasional card from my mom, but that stopped as soon as I started going to church.  You would think that after all this time, it wouldn't be so painful but that just isn't the case. 

It is such a mixed bag to try to hold onto what was good when the bad clouded it all.  I am positive before the end of the week, I will have a full blown, crying breakdown where I miss my grandma.  She was awful.  She was a foul-mouthed (you know it's bad when I point that finger), granny who loved pornography, immorality and causing great turmoil within her family.  But, I'll remember the birthday cakes, gifts, celebration of my life and it'll knock me down into a puddle of grief.

My goodness, it would probably be equally as painful to actually have contact with my family on my birthday after this long and I would be very suspect of it anyway.  As I always do, I will wonder if they even think about it.  I would have to guess not...