Hands and Feet

It is finally time to start transferring these posts I have been long drafting out of my head and onto here.

The first has been a long time coming, well over due. 

Going back to August 2007, I was introduced to a woman as I walked through the church office to meet with the pastor.  I tended to stay fairly closed off of all strangers at that time.  I paid little attention to who she was and certainly had no idea of the significance she would very soon have in my life.

At the end of the meeting with the pastor, he handed me the card of the lady I had been introduced to and suggested I call her to set up a time to meet.  She was the church counselor.  I remember thinking, "No way!" 

In my family, counseling was bad.  Of course I understand now that it was another level of my family keeping their dysfunction as private as possible.  I had tried to go to counseling many times before.  Each time had been a miserable failure.

Less than a mile from the church, I pulled my car over and called the counselor.  She answered and scheduled an appointment for me the following Tuesday.  I had no reason within myself to do that.  In fact, had my call gone to voicemail I am not sure I would have left a message.  Looking back, I realize just how God orchestrated the details of all of it. 

The very next day, my life fell apart.  The dam broke.  Everything I knew, believed, lived and loved had been completely changed forever.  A flood of memories came rushing back to me.  It would be the last time I willingly saw my parents and would become estranged from my entire family. 

Just a few very long days later, I would walk into her office.  I was unable to speak over the choked emotion that had settled in my throat and the tears that would not stop.  My mind stood firm in holding the family secrets, but my heart found comfort in her words and actions.  What I spewed out that day was minimal, but her message that day was clear.  It was one of love and hope, two things I had experienced so little of at time and had such difficulty believing.

That was the first of many, many, many counseling sessions to come.  It was also the beginning of what would eventually become one of my most trusted friendships. 

It isn't an understatement to say that I cannot count the number of ways she has been there for me over the past 6 1/2 years. 

There have been times she has been like a mother to me.  And, I don't exactly mean as one of those matriarchal types who shows love and gives guidance through all things.  Don't get me wrong, she does do that.  What I am referring to is more of the stubborn mother of a teenager kind of motherly.  Yes, it is true.  Many times, sometimes for months at a time, I was that fit throwing-I don't need you screaming-I refuse to do anything you say teenager type.  At the time I hated her motherly approach.  I rebelled against her loving correction.  I insisted she couldn't be the mother I never had.

Maybe in my heart, I knew then and I definitely know now that she was loving me through those times when I trusted nobody and refused to believe I could be loved...because that was usually the source of my rebellion.

She has been that loving, comforter through some of the most difficult times too.  When I found myself lost and in the darkest valleys, her hand was never far away.  She would set for hours with me when I was fairly certain I could not stand to live one more minute.  During those seriously dark times, she held onto me so tight that I couldn't slip away and always went a step further to remind me that the darkness was only temporary. 

Everything she has taught me is too numerous to name as well.  I could start with this blog.  She is the one who taught me that these things that when the darkness threatens to consume, it is not my forever.  Regardless of how difficult it may seem, it will not be my forever because God has better for me. 

She has taught me to love and love well.  She has taught me to speak truth with love and respect.  She has taught me to trust and when to be cautious.  She has taught me that God is in the small things and He is far bigger than even my huge obstacles.  She has taught me to know my worth without arrogance.  The list goes on and on...

There have been times she has met very real, physical needs.  For most of the time I wasn't driving, she was the one who made sure I got where I needed to go.  Appointments, shopping, even getting my hair done, she made sure I got what I needed.  When I went for days without sleeping and I had a fear of my own house, she gave me a quiet, safe place to sleep. 

Outside of emotional and physical needs, she has been there to watch over my spiritual needs.  As I struggled to find my place in the church, she was there to guide me.  When I suffered the pains of being hurt in the church, she was there to direct me back to God.  And when I just didn't think I could do the "church thing" ever again, she never let me leave. 

Without a doubt, this woman is incredibly humble.  I know she would tell you that she does what she feels led to do and gets a front row seat to see what God does.  That is the kind of person she is.  She never takes credit and is sure to give God the glory for everything.

Through everything, she has never left me.  From beginning to now, she hasn't left my side.  Through all the difficulty.  When others have run in fear.  When the hurt has been unthinkable.  Through life altering times.  She's been there. 

I know I've said a lot and yet there is so much more.  Thinking through it all, I understand and know that this would not be possible in any other setting outside the church.  The trust, relationship and work in my life would not have happened in an average counseling setting.  In no other type of counseling would have so clearly seen the hand of God in my life. 

As I always do, I write this for myself.  I know my journey is far from over.  I know there are many times to come when I will be like an obstinate teen.  So, I share this as a reminder for myself.  A reminder that in the tough times to come, God will be in it all.  And, when God uses this person or others to be His hands, I need to grab on and hold tight. 

I also share this to encourage you.  Don't be afraid to let God use you in big ways.  When you find yourself in a position to be the hands and feet, don't let fear drive you away.  Allow yourself to be used for the glory of God.  Look past your fear and insecurity and know that God will give you what you need to be His mouthpiece, His hands.  Don't hesitate.  Don't run.  Give freely the love and hope that has been given you by others who have allowed themselves to be used by God.