One Way Road

The past few weeks have been full. Full of busyness, pain, joy, laughter, tears, exploration, accomplishment, goodbyes, hellos, shock, denial, anger, frustration, confusion, renewal, reunion and growth. Though I am not quite ready to share any of it today, I can say that God has been really good to me through it all.


In the many reunions and hellos of the past month, I have fought the internal battle of how much of my life to share and when. Keeping in mind, the range of people I have encountered lately have range from people who have been in my life for over 35 years to barely 30 seconds.

If the past six years have taught me anything, it is that much of my life has been kept hidden. For as much as I feel free to share, I still only share bits and pieces with those closest to me. It's fair. I want people to know, accept and love me for who I am before they know how I came to be who I am.

Although, I am learning that I am not ok with friends not knowing anything about me. In fact, I am really not ok with them not caring about my life. I think you know what I am talking about, those one way friendships.

Before I go further, let me clarify something. If we are friends and you read my blog, I am obviously not referring to you in this. In fact, it would be more directed at the people I am close to who have no clue I have a blog or even enjoy writing.

I know, my past experiences are expanse. Since the average person doesn't know my story, I tend to offer a lot of grace in their everyday conversations. However, if you talk to me very long at all you will know that I am estranged from my family and I do have a very difficult background.

Over the past year, I have renewed a relationship with a previous acquaintance. A text I received yesterday jumped off the screen and slapped me into reality. This has become a one way road. I have listened and helped this person at every turn, praying for their every request and given advice when asked.

Yesterday's text was one of many lately where I realized that this person knows nothing about me. She has never asked. She has never even asked how I am doing. She has never left room in any conversation for anything outside of herself. She has never been willing to listen to me. She has never offered to pray for me as she has never been open to listening to my needs. The list could go on...

It wasn't pride or ego that slapped me in the face; it was my own need for people and relationships. Frankly, I deserve better than that.

Believe me; I know sometimes God will push me into a relationship to be more than I thought or more than can be given in return. I know that because He has put many people in my life who were that for me. They were for me more than I could ever be in return. That's what I needed at the time. However, I also believe God can give you a huge, giant sign that it is time to extricate yourself from a relationship and I believe I got it.

Honestly, the one way road kind of relationships is just not for me anymore. I have grown up. I need more. I need deep relationships. I need surface relationships. And I MUST have reciprocal relationships, even if it is only miniscule.

I think the ways someone can easily hurt me in a relationship has evolved. The easiest way is to not care about who I am.

I was forced for so long to keep my past a secret, burying it. I'm not saying I want to dump that on each person I meet, but I am saying that I don't ever want to feel like my life doesn't matter. I never want to feel like I don't matter. I think that has to be a normal feeling, regardless of your background.

Maybe it is the growth spurt (spiritual and emotional) I have hit lately that makes me so confident in knowing what I need in relationship. Or, maybe it is just me embracing the God given desire to be cared for and loved and known. No more one way roads.

By the way, I am so thankful for those who have walked through seasons with me where they likely felt it was a one way road. To you, I am forever grateful. Please know your perseverance has contributed to my growth.