I Tried...

Maybe I am learning a lesson lately in how the plans I have aren't always the way things will be.  I would love to say that these are great lessons.  But the truth is that they are painful and hard.

Last year, my holiday sadness led to a few months of being a hermit and severe depression.  I had a plan this year to avoid it.  I was proactive.  I did everything right so that I could take a huge step in putting the holiday sadness behind me.

Nothing and I mean nothing has worked out.  All the plans have simply gone down the toilet one by one.

Back in May, we made a plan to spend Thanksgiving with my brother and his family.  We had a condo chosen and paid for months in advance and a plan.  For the first time in over six years, I was going to get to spend a major holiday with some of my family.  With tickets to shows and parks already purchased and only a few weeks to go, my brother's family backed out.

I had a fine and lovely holiday spending some much needed time with my husband.  However, I was crushed.  I spent plenty of time that weekend tucking myself away when the emotions hit and the tears couldn't be held back.

Even onto the Christmas holiday, I purposely filled my month with one activity after another.  Again, not even to avoid but to survive in a healthier way.

The first week, I was scheduled to have lunch with a friend and a craft night with my favorite crafty gals.  Both got cancelled.

Later that same week, I got a nice case of flu that put me to bed for several days.  I had scheduled a bunco friends Christmas party at my house.  The next night was our Christmas party with our new Sunday School class.  I literally slept through all of it.

I'd like to take a moment to point out what a wonderful husband I have.  He spent all last week stuck in Ohio.  I mean really stuck.  He had to stay an additional day because of bad weather.  The poor guy finally made it home Saturday evening.  He took care of me, cleaned up the house and a massive mountain of laundry.  Awesome!

That Sunday, we had a full day of plans.  Lunch with a friend and then a trip to see Handel's Messiah followed by a Christmas pagent.  Well, we managed to not be able to sell our tickets to the Messiah.  So we drug our drippy noses and handfuls of cough drops to the symphony.  Yay!  At least one thing on the long list of plans happened.

This weekend, some of us were supposed to have a girl's weekend.  Good ole Mother Nature foiled our plans by giving us a full day of freezing rain and snow.

One disappointment after another and I can no longer hold off the holiday sadness.  It's coming....it's here.  I tried, I really did.  Even I can accept that I at least put forth an effort.

When I put up my Christmas decorations the first week of November, I was ever the optomistic.  I knew this year I'd be able to find a joy in life that had been missing for so long.

I know many of my Christian friends who would argue that celebrating the birth of our Savior is enough to infuse joy into even the most broken heart.  Unfortunately, those same friends haven't been in my shoes.

We will have one and only one very short Christmas celebration with my husband's family.  I know, I should it enjoy it but I don't.  It will be uncomfortable for both of us.  His mom no longer knows who he is and his sibling group is deconstructing with strong personalities.  It has great potential to be more painful for my husband than any holiday past.

Don't even get me started on the gift part of Christmas.  It's one of my love languages, both giving and receiving.  Our big, beautiful tree won't have much under it for us or others.  I'm sad to not have a long list of people to give gifts to and won't even be doing my usual week of baking goodies this year.

A couple months ago, I never thought it would be possible to slide into the holiday sadness two weeks before Christmas.  But that is what happens when I make plans.

I have been so good lately in accepting that when things don't work out the way I want them to, then God must have a better plan.  Ha!  I have even been THAT person with other people lately.  You know...the annoying one that reminds you that there must be a better, bigger plan and that we just need to be excited about it.

Maybe I'll get there again, but not right now.  Every effort I have made to live healthier through this time of year has been for not.  I'm frustrated and disappointed and mad.....but mostly just sad.