My Nativity

I'm not going to lie.  I am struggling mightly right now with the holidays and my absence of family.  This time of year is and should be focused on the birth of Christ.  However, when every where you look there is focus on an adored baby, I have a tendency to feel kicked in the gut.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing myself in anyway at all to Jesus.  I am saying, I was the unwanted child.  Born to parents who never have and never will want or love me.  Focused time on a baby, extended periods of time where family is the second most common focus...it all gets to me.

Unfortunately, I don't have my tried and true supports this year.  Those people who remind me that I am so much better off without my parents than with them.  Those loving souls who gently point me back to the love from the Heavenly Father being so much more than even the most loving earthly father ever could be.

I know many christians who put the death and resurrection above the birth of Christ.  Yes, the death and resurrection of Christ are the fulfillment of so many of God's promises and certainly his biggest gift to us.  However, I tend to feel just as enamored by the birth.

Until last Christmas, I had never had a nice or any real nativity set.  The senior couple I love so dearly gave me a nativity for Christmas.  It is an 18 inch set of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus.  I've left it on display the entire year.  I know, most people put theirs away in January and drag them back out near Christmas.  Not me!

It was absolutely one of the best gifts I have ever gotten from anyone.  Without the birth, the death and resurrection could have never happened.  I know that's simple, but it is.  For me, the nativity is a constant reminder of Jesus' entire life and what his death means for me.

I have often not placed much value in the life of a baby.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not devaluing any children.  I have just often struggled with my warped idea of parents and the place of a child and importance.

Keeping the nativity in front of me all year, constantly reminds me that my earthly view is warped and was deeply damaged by evil.  Just because my parents didn't want me, doesn't mean that nobody did.  God did.  As hard as that is to keep in my heart this time of year, it is true.

The nativity is a reminder for me that Christ was born, so that through Him I can know a Heavenly Father.  So that I can experience what I never believed possible.  So that I can know a love beyond what even a good father could have given.  So that I can eventually be without the pain of not having loving parents brings.

I know all these things to be true.  But my broken little heart has a hard time holding onto them through the pain of the season.  There isn't a day that goes by this month that I don't long for a family and wish away the pain.  During this season of feeling so unwanted, the truth is no match for my tears.

So for now, I'll cry my tears, soothe my broken heart and anxiously wait for the day when the love outweighs it all.