The Wait

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the outcome, that I forget the process.  That is so true for so much of life.

I hadn't planned to document this until after I have a positive diagnosis and direction, but I don't want to forget the process.

Back in late summer, I noticed that my lactose intolerance had started to get worse.  No big deal.  That is all part of getting older.  I don't even know that it started to bother me so much as I let my diet get a little loose and was indulging in things I normally didn't.

Over the past few months, I went from normal lactose intolerance to flat out rejection.  My body absolutely despised all milk products.  More recently, fattier foods and oils have given me much of the same reaction.

I would have sharp abdominal cramps after eating, bloating and pain that radiated across my body or to my back.  The past few weeks, the pain never really leaves and is usually either mild or severe with no in between.

Last week, I finally went to the doctor.

I am fearful of doctor appointments and procedures.  Understandably so.  Every time the past few years I have prayed alongside a friend for a positive outcome, they have been diagnosed with cancer. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer one week and died the next.  I have a reasonable fear mixed with my own propensity to have irrational fear.

So often, I can self diagnose my simple things with WebMD or some other spawn of satan website.  I say that because I am convinced that the devil himself was over the creation of all websites and doctor shows where the fear of death is given to you over everything from hangnails to bad breath.

After self-diagnosing myself with every sort of cancer possible and infection known to man, a couple people close to me suggested I go to a real professional.

I had a physical with bloodwork on Friday.  My blood pressure was down.  My weight was down 31 lbs.  No fever.  No real concerns except this pain.  Upon physical examination, the doctor found nothing alarming.  Next step, ultrasound and wait for bloodwork results.

This morning, I had my ultrasound.  My goodness.  I definitely hurt worse after having my abdomen pushed and prodded.  I think the tech took approximately 917 pictures of my innards.  And, I am pretty sure that she had me hold my breath for 3/4 of them.  Those numbers might be slightly exaggerated, since I am fairly certain I had a lack of oxygen to my brain and my lips were turning blue.

Seriously though, I am thankful for a dear friend who took me.  It was so comforting to have someone there and offer a distraction at times I would have been anxious.  Of course my husband's company makes him travel on one of the weeks I need him for moral support.

I do have have enough medical background to know that the tech did focus and mark one particular area.  She marked an area that would be in the pancreas, gallbladder and liver area.  The thing that is most logical is gallstones or diseased gallbladder.  In fact, I have asked for everyone to pray for that specifically as I know the route of treatment.

The truth is that it could be any number of things.  I am scared out of my mind and left here alone this  week to mull it all over.

I should get the results with 2-3 days.  I am thankful to not hear from the doctor today.  I am hoping and praying that means it is nothing urgent.  I am also slightly comforted by the fact that the tech was very focused on an area and did not venture off that area.

There are some things that have gone through my head today and even sometimes out of my mouth.

I don't know how people go through these scary medical ordeals without knowing God.  I've done it and can't remember.  Maybe because I thought I was invincible back then.  Without understanding God is in control, I'm sure I would have lost my mind.  I also believe I have been comforted and calmed since last week by those who have been praying for and with me.  How do people do it without that?

Yesterday's sermon was on the sanctity of life, but I found something the pastor said to be pertinent to how I was feeling.  Psalm 139:16 says Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  There is not one day of my life that is not already accounted for by God.  The day I was born and the day I die is all known to him.  I found comfort in knowing that regardless of what the test results are, the number of my days are not up to me.  I will die the day God has chosen and there is nothing I can do to change that.

Another thing that happened yesterday is that I felt myself, for the first time ever, being led to serve at a crisis pregnancy center.  I have more to say about this.  Since I have struggled with my views on abortion, it is quite a change in me.  A change that can be attributed to nobody but the Holy Spirit.  Again, I was comforted by the idea that there was a future.  Since I can catastrophize things and go to worse case scenario, I hadn't planned anything past this week.  Now why would God place a desire in my heart that is so outside of my normal thoughts if there were no tomorrow?  In the strangest of ways, I found comfort.

Right now, I don't know what's next.  I don't know what is causing the pain in me.  I don't know what the next post about this will contain.  I can tell you right now, I am scared.  Until I hear from the doctor, I think I will be perched on this edge of life.  I hate the wait and yet I don't want to know.  I know I don't want to be in pain, but the worst case scenarios scare me.

To be continued...