Communion

Sometimes it is difficult for me to know what, if any, parts of my childhood were normal.  I know there must have been times that I was punished for doing the wrong thing.  It is highly likely that in those times, the punishment didn't fit the crime.  Those memories aren't as prevalent as so many others, but I know they happened.

One of the things I hated the worst was being punished for something my brothers had done.  Again, the punishment never fit the crime and we all were keenly aware of that.  It wasn't hard for me brothers to deflect their wrong-doings onto me.  They were boys, just two years apart, so they acted like normal boys as time and life allowed.  

There were a couple times that I remember so specifically.  Once my brothers were playing with hot wheels on the kitchen floor with a plastic track they had gotten for Christmas.  My mom had a collection of antique tea/saucer sets hung on the wall, the wall in which the hot wheels were being launched toward.  I am sure you can see where this is going.  

I heard a crash and walked into the kitchen to find one of the cups shattered all over the floor.  My brothers had split and I was left standing over the broken mess.  My parents totally bought my brothers' story that they were both outside when they heard the glass break and had seen me playing with their toy cars before heading out.  I'd like to add here that this is one of those times that I remember thinking my parents were incredibly stupid.  

Another time, my brothers were playing in the bathroom.  I'm not sure exactly what was going on.  A few years back, I think they said they thought the plunger was fun and so they were trying to clog the toilet on purpose.  They had a great deal of success until a stopwatch got lodged in the toilet, causing the toilet to flood the bathroom.

I wasn't home at the time, but came home to my dad pissed and in the middle of a flooded bathroom.  It took him hours and tearing the toilet out to finally retrieve the stopwatch.  Again, my brothers claimed that I had been playing with the stopwatch in the bathroom and must have flushed it.  

Both times, I received a beating that left me bloody and bruised for days to come.  The emotional scar it left was even bigger.  I was angry.  I resented my brothers.  I had taken a punishment that I didn't deserve and was far worse than I could have imagined.  It was far worse than what any of the crimes had warranted.  I was resentful of my brothers for years.  

Yesterday as I sat listening to my pastor present the elements of communion, these things began to be a very real, very present memory for me.

This was only my third time participating in the Lord's Supper for well over four years.  My previous pastor had a way of presenting communion that made me feel very unworthy of participating.  So, these past few months of really being engaged in church and participating in communion has touched my heart very deeply.

My current pastor doesn't bypass confession/repentance/having your heart right with God.  However, he does focus on the elements.  What they mean.  Why we take them.  The sacrifice.  The gift.  He is much more rounded on his presentation, touching on each of those things and giving us time to reflect on them.

As I did just that yesterday, I found myself extremely emotional.  Each time I do get a little emotional and teary, but yesterday I dropped the alligator tears.

I think that if communion doesn't touch on some emotion for you, then you may not understand it fully or you maybe taking it for granted.  

Christ suffered a brutal death that he didn't deserve.  He paid a hefty price and not for his own crimes.  He was sinless and didn't deserve to suffer the way he did...not at all.  He took it all.  He got what we deserved.  We are sinful and wretched.  But our transgressions are washed away because Christ paid the price with his life.

My goodness, I am in no way comparing my experience to that of Christ.  I do think my past experiences make it even more precious to me that someone would take the punishment for me.  I think my experiences make it easier for me to grasp what Christ did and how he suffered for someone else.

We like to think and say we would give our lives for our loved ones.  The fact is, we don't know if we really would or what that would even look like.  We can look at Christ and know that we are loved so much that he took what we deserved.  We deserve hell for our sinful ways, but we get heaven because a sinless savior died for us...took our place.  

I'm so thankful and blessed to be in a place where participating in communion is an absolute reminder of that.  I'm thankful for a God who is patient with me when it takes me a while to understand.