All babies go to heaven...

Do they? How do we know? My head is spinning and my mind has lost out to my heart.

Is the bible clear on it?  Everyone has always told me they do, but in my frantic search to calm my fears, I can't find it.

Oh my goodness, this doesn't get easier. It's so strange. The past two days have been good. My mood has been good. Then, at the end of the day, it all falls apart.

During a couple conversations yesterday, I am reminded why this time the pain so much deeper.

One of the things I have always done with pain is lock it away. I've always had sophisticated coping mechanisms in place to lock memory and emotion deep inside. There has been enough healing over the past seven years, that I no longer have that natural default. Now, I feel the pain.

There's something very important to understand about me. When I feel something, I feel it very deeply. Throughoyt most of my life, I did not have the capacity to feel anything. As I began to learn, I only had the ability to feel about things that were incredibly meaningful. I still do that.

Right or wrong...when I feel joy, it is a jubilant happiness that radiates throughout every facet of my life. When I feel sadness, it is a bottom of the pit hopelessness.

This grief is deep and new for me. I feel it in my soul, as if something is missing and I am empty.

This loss is really making me evaluate my true belief in heaven. I've never lost a Christian friend. I've never lost any saved relatives. Pretty sure I don't have anyone in heaven waiting for me.

Maybe it's because I'm still grieving the earthly loss, but I can't wrap my head around heaven. If the baby we just loss is there, how will I know? How will any baby thats never seen me know I'm his or her momma?

There's a part of me that wants to put this behind me, as if it never happened. The other part is ready for heaven right now. I'm ready for no more tears, no more pain.



Just a reminder, I ultimately write these posts for myself. With the exception of a few friends, I have no idea who you are. I don't publicize this blog and most friends do not know I blog. Everything I write is real and raw. I ask that you not judge, but walk through this with me by praying for me. I have sought out biblical counsel, but the days between those times are long and full of pain and questions. Please help pray me through those days.