Loss

I'm not unfamiliar with loss. Family, babies, friends, pets. I've lost them all. Some by death, some by choice, some by natural progression. I've said thousands of times that I'm immune to it. I suppose that's true to a degree.

I learned something at my appointment this week that I never expected. When I went to the ER in August, I was somewhere between 10-12 weeks pregnant and did not know.

It takes a lot to put that out there. Only because it's taken me a few days to wrap my head around more loss.

When you're told you can't get pregnant, you never expect it.

Really, it's kind of a messy story. In the ER, they failed to do a pregnancy test. If they had, they would have done a D&C immediately. They didn't, so I had a month of complications. Complications that dropped my hemoglobin to a dangerous 6.9 and gave me severe anemia that will take months to recover from.

I'm recovering well physically. I still get tired more than normal and I'm freezing all the time. My body temp dropped below 94 and still hovers near 95-96. Let me tell you, I quite enjoyed a 105 degree hot tub on an 80 degree day recently. Strange for me.

I realized today that my heart isn't recovering well at all. I am having a tough time chalking this one up to just something that happens.

While I am making friends here, I'm not close enough to anyone to really have a deep conversation about this. I've talked briefly to my pastor, but he's a guy. So, I spared him all the tears and emotions I wanted and needed to unload on someone besides my husband.

Oh my word, the emotions. Since there's nobody to talk to, the emotions seep out in other ways. Ok, maybe come flying out, misplaced and confusing for my poor husband. I love him, but he's just not good in those bawling, screaming fits that have nothing to do with the nonsense spewing out of my mouth.

For the record, I have contacted a local counselor. The only one on our insurance in the area. And, I'm on a waiting list until sometime next spring or summer.

I don't know why this loss is so hard. I don't know why this grief feels so much deeper.

Since Wednesday when I learned about the miscarriage, I think I've barely gotten through a few hours without crying. I want to curl up in my blanket and just stay there.

There's nothing that could've been done to stop the miscarriage at the ER even if they had done the test. Ultimately, the series of events led to the discovery of these abnormal cells. My mind fully grasps the idea that all things happen for a reason.

But my heart...my heart just isn't on board with that. My heart is aching over the loss of a baby. A baby I didn't know I had. A miracle that never really was. My heart is questioning Gods plan. My heart is angry. I want to be immune to this pain, but I'm not. This hurts and I don't know how to deal with it.