Reality

Things are status quo and yet completely off. I know, it's contradictory. Given everything in life, I have to admit that things aren't terrible. They could be worse. It's what I tell myself to make it ok to face the world.

The absolute truth is the cumulative effect of the past two years seems to be sitting heavy on me these days. Starting January 2014, our world was turned upside down and we've had one thing after another to handle. I know, I should be able to deal with one thing and go into the next. I'm not designed that way. I deal with each thing as little as possible, so I can get by and deal with the next thing. What's left over festers until I hit bottom and then it spews out of me like a volcano.

I'm still sleep deprived. It's not as bad at it was, but I can't get caught up at all.

This past few weeks have been hard. I've kept it together. Barely.

After surgery, I got a glimpse of how life will be as we grow older. I'm not complaining. I loved being able to help my husband. It was a perfect time to serve him in ways he's done the same for me. What I realized is that I'm not enough. I have limited abilities outside of loving and feeding him. If he ever becomes physically incapacitated, I won't be enough. While I knew it, it was hard to see firsthand.

The holiday thing has hit me hard this year. It was tough last year, but it was as I expected. This year is incredibly lonely. Even as we prepare for our trip back to KC, it's still lonely for me.

On our trip back, we will be making time for my husband to see his friends and we will stay with his family. We were supposed to take my niece and nephew to Branson for a couple days. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen. Between increased expenses, no raise and a couple months of completely unexpected repairs and expenses, there's nothing left. It's a lean year and my wish list has taken the hit.

Without going into it, I can tell you that there are a few more things complicating life as well. They aren't things I'm ready to lay out there, even to strangers.

Needless to say, I'm tired. Tired as in kind of lost. In the past, I had help with this sort of thing. I had a support system, people I could talk to and who could help. I don't have that now. I have a couple people who would listen and I'm thankful. But, now, I need people who can help. People who know those things I haven't shared here and can help me get through.