If I've never shared this, it definitely needs to be written down. In fact, it needs locked in my memory, never to be forgotten.
A few years ago, my psychologist of all people shared this story with me.
There was a man walking down a path on a cold day. He came upon a snake. The snake was cold and shivering. As the man walked by, the snake asked the man to pick him up and keep him warm. The man returns with hesitation, stating that he was a snake and would bite him. The snake begged and pled his case and promised not to bite, he was freezing and wanted a place to get warm. The man finally picked him up and put him in his pocket. After the snake got cozy and warm, he but the man and slithered away. Confused, the man asked why he had bitten him even after he had promised. The snake replied, "because I'm a snake."
Because despite the circumstances, he's a snake. Circumstances don't change anyone, they just make us more desperate to get what we want.
That is exactly what happens when I deal with my family in any realm. I only ever deal with my little brothers family, but I forget what he is.
Two things have happened this week that have me reeling from the heartbreak of being bitten by the snake.
I've prayed, planned and utilized every resource I have available to make a trip to Branson possible. It was two months ago that I started the conversation about taking my niece and nephew. We even altered the days we were going to fit their schedule. I went to a business acquaintance for help with a discounted condo that comfortably sleeps four adults.
These trips with the kids in the past haven't always been pleasurable. They are bickering kids and they don't appreciate things. So, I've spent some time praying through that and in deep discussion with my husband. There's also been some question wether we could make it happen. I finalized plans yesterday and was content.
Last night, I was informed my nephew would not be going. He has wrestling practice one of the days we will be gone. I was livid. I'm so incredibly sick of hearing my friends complain about how Much they sacrifice for sports. I'm sick of coaches using threats to keep kids tied to a schedule that is unrealistic. I'm absolutely angry that my feelings don't matter to any of them. Im positive that if my brother and his wife had made plans, that coach would be called and the kid would be going. But I'm not important enough.
I told my husband a few weeks ago that I'm not interested in buying love any more and I meant that family. It's a post of its own, but we pay a high price to spend any time with any of them. I'm not interested. I'm also not interested in playing this game with them. The game where they make all the rules and we have to eat it or not see the kids.
We will take my niece, provided her mother doesn't punish her for my frustration. Believe me, it's a very real possibility. This trip was kind of it for me. A last I would initiate. If none of them go, I'm done. I can't handle the roller coaster. If there's one thing I've learned the past eight years, it's that the pain never outweighs the gain of not being in the drama.
Prior to that yesterday, I had contacted my brother. Let me back up. I got a Christmas card from my grandma. I have one set of grandparents and one grandpa. My grandma wrote a letter as well.
I've struggled lately with losing family members and how I'd really never be able to go to funerals. The letter, while completely impersonal but handwritten, touched a nerve in me. It was written specifically for me. I know my grandma has no clue why I left the family. They are completely distanced from my family, even though they live in the same town.
My heart was longing to say hello, while saying goodbye. I'm a realist. I know that seeing them would probably be my last. They aren't ailing, but aging. I've really not seen them for nine years. I'm not sure they'll be around another nine. Honestly, a short, sweet conversation now would be the way I want to remember them anyway.
Not really knowing how to make that happen, I contacted my brother. He's the peacemaker of the family. However, he decided to start making stipulations. My other grandpa is not well. He's deteriorating with dementia and other health issues. He's 82 and been a lifetime smoker who eats bacon everyday. He's likely not going to be around much longer.
My brother would help arrange a time to see my grandparents, if I'd go see my grandpa.
Here's the problems. I can't just randomly go anywhere. I cannot handle a run in with my parents. Therefore, I have to have a buffer. I have no desire to ever see my grandpa. My brother doesn't understand that because he doesn't know my grandpa is a child molester. I hadn't ever planned to share that within the family, but he's forcing my hand.
I wasn't the only victim with this abuser. There are others. That belongs to them. I don't want to trigger or cause distress for any of them. Even though they are all crappy to me, I choose not to be that way to them. This is the grandpa who left Polaroid proof of child molestation. I have physical proof there are at least four victims in the family.
Needless to say, I scrapped the entire idea. It became too convoluted. It also became about my brother and what he wanted instead of what I needed or what it would take for me to be ok in this. I don't always make everything all about me. Unfortunately, this has to be mostly about me. Again, I can't play this game with a snake.
That's it. All of it. It all comes down to trusting someone who doesn't have my best interest in mind. It is all about self foscused people who aren't going to change regardless of how convincing they might be. A snake is a snake. He can't help but bite even though he's promised.
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