New Job

In a previous post, I mentioned some changes that were coming for us. Well, they are here.

One of the ladies who heads up our three county walk for Alzheimer's contacted me at the end of last year. She asked me to represent our town and join others in representing our county on the walk planning committee.

I took a few days to pray about it and discuss with my husband. It's his mom with the disease and he's the more appropriate one to represent her. But he works during the meeting times, making it impossible for him to go. I accepted and will be attending monthly meetings through September.

The biggest change for us is my job. That's right. I'm headed back to work. This week, I started working part time at our church.

I spent over three years volunteering at one of our previous churches and have volunteered at this church. The biggest difference is being paid. Skills needed, expectations, time, they are all very similar to what I've done in the past.

But my anxiety level has spiked the past few weeks in anticipation of this change. Don't be mistaken, I'm excited. It'll get me out of the house, give me purpose and help keep me in a healthier routine. But I'm so incredibly nervous. Really, it's a mixed bag of emotions.

Truly, I'm honored and humbled to have someone (probably several) believe in me enough to trust me in this position. If you knew the progression and sequence of events, you'd better understand that.

Believe me when I say, I still have a lot to prove. Even though this church is small, I only know a small portion and very few know me. Some don't even know my name. In fact, I had the same lady welcome me as a visitor this month twice even though we've been members for over a year.

There are people who don't know me, people who don't like me and people I think don't like me but more likely just do not know me. I'm a new face. We are transplants. I'm a stranger to the majority. We don't have relatives here and knew only one member before visiting the church.

In very small ways, I've been serving this church. Now I'll be doing it with a face, name and expectations. Friends and strangers, I'll be serving them all. I'm excited, but nervous.

Since we joined the church, I've prayed for direction and for God to show us where we should be serving. God answered that prayer in a big, obvious way. While praising Him, I'm reminded of the great responsibility He has laid upon me. Not to be perfect. But to be an imperfect servant who does their best to love people, serve with joy and to acknowledge His faithfulness.

When I say my anxiety has spiked, I'm not understating that. It's a huge change for both of us. It'll take some trial and error to develop a new routine. I'm a homebody. It'll be hard to leave home a couple days a week. I also don't want to neglect my place as a wife. I've enjoyed being a stay at home wife, especially since the move.

It's only honest to admit I have a great fear of failure. In all I do, I want to succeed. I'll do my best. But I fear failure. I fear letting people down. Over the past few weeks, I've convinced myself over and over that I'm not adequate for the job. So many times, I nearly backed out. It was a near panic stricken conversation after church last week when my husband talked me off the edge.

Even today, I felt like I was in over my head. I'm not, but after not working for six years, I sure felt like it. We talked about desks and work space. All I could think was, I just need a tiny bit of desk and maybe a file drawer. No fuss. Just simple. I was so nervous that it took me hours to think about things I might like to have on a desk.

Here's what I keep going back to in my overwhelm. God will give me everything I need to do what He's called me to do. It's been true in everything I have allowed God to lead me in. Imagine that!

I'm sure I will enjoy this new adventure. Even with the bumps along the way, I know this is where God is leading. I'm excited to see what is ahead.