During the first 18 years of my life, I had only one goal. Survival.
At age six, when other young girls were playing with dolls and learning to write, I was making sure my two younger brothers did not go hungry. At age 11, when all my friends were enjoying slumber parties, I was babysitting every weekend just to have enough money to replace mine and my brothers’ hole-filled socks. At age 17, when everyone in my class prepared for college, I was planning an escape from the hell of mental, physical and emotional abuse I was living in.
Every day was a race, not really knowing when the end would come. The only thing that was certain was that if I wanted to survive, I had to rely on nobody but myself. Not only could I not trust every adult figure in my life, but I lived in complete fear of them all the time. Every focus in my life was based on fighting to protect myself and being self reliant.
I learned very early in life that I would have to find a way to meet even the basic of needs. Since I never experienced it, I can only imagine that loving parents sacrifice and strive to not only meet the basic needs of their children but give them as much as they can. Love, compassion, understanding, comfort and guidance were luxuries that my parents could obviously not afford.
Being so self reliant and going without knowing or feeling love and comfort gave me a very unstable foundation to begin a life with Christ on.
After so long of only depending on myself and then many years of adulthood trying to maintain control of my own life, how could I believe that I was truly not in control or that I did not have to rely solely on myself? I wonder sometimes if I am the only person who ever struggles with that.
I have been given amazing guidance on this, but I just do not know how to let go of those things. It’s like giving up that old pair of shoes that have a hole in the toe and smell bad, but they feel so comfortable that you can’t stand the thought of throwing them out. How do you come to the point where you know it’s time for them to go? And, what about the fear that you will never have another pair that feels the same?
Even though it has not always felt this way, I believe the experiences of the past year have truly blessed me. So many times, I have been brought to my knees and felt pain that was real and unbearable at times. Each time I have emerged from the darkness understanding more than the last time that I could not have made it through without relying on Christ.
I don’t know if I will always struggle with this. However, I can say that I do believe that I don’t have to do it on my own. This struggle or the next, this moment of happiness or the next of fear, I know I don’t have to do it alone.
Originally written 8/13/08
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