Expectations

It has been a while since my last entry. Obviously, when I am immersed in the battle my life offers me, blogging is furthest from my mind.

After my last entry, I had a friend ask me a question that I felt I needed to reflect on before I could post again. She asked if it was possible that I had set unrealistic expectations for the people around me. By the people around me, she meant my church and the Christians in it.

That was a very thought provoking question and one I felt I needed to spend time considering before moving forward.

To answer the question, in a word....NO!

This past Sunday, I sat in the sanctuary with the service about to begin and I let that question bounce around in my little brain. I sat there staring at the bulletin in my hand. I wasn't sure at that moment. Was it possible that I was the one who had it all wrong? Did I set my expectations too high?

I came from a family who did not care about me. I came from a life where the only thing readily given was a hard time and torture. It has been easy to set expectations of people in my life higher than what I came from. I also don't feel it is that difficult to meet those expectations because they are still set relatively low.

When I came to the church, I didn't believe. I didn't believe God knew me, cared about me or even wanted me there. I believed the same was true of everyone sitting in that church. They didn't care, how could they. There was no way they could care about me, someone who was so far from being like them. I didn't have the same belief as them nor did have my life as put together as they appeared.

Until now, I had never really examined why I had set certain expectations of Christians however, I knew what they were.

My expectations of Christians and those in my church were this. I expected that everyone would love one another and be respectful. I expected that when I hurt, they would genuinely care and want to help. I expected that while some relationships may be difficult, I would no longer be an outsider. I expected that I would be allowed to be honest without judgement.

I know enough about life and people to understand that nobody is perfect and everyone fails at times. To me, those seem like simple expectations with understanding that there will be times when it isn't perfect.

But was I still expecting too much? Was it possible that this church could not meet those expectations? What led me to believe that this church could or would meet those expectations?

Still staring at my bulletin, I decided to scan the pages. As the questions still bounced around my in my head, I caught little of what was in the bulletin until I got near the last page. There it was! I found the answer.

Helping at church, I often update the bulletin. I pick up discarded copies in the pews on Monday mornings. I have read it cover to cover, repeatedly. But there it was, the answer.

The church had set this expectation for me three years ago.

"This is MY commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." John 15:12-13

This is listed as one of the four "most important" values of my church. There it is written for each member and visitor to read every Sunday. I remember reading this scripture three years ago when I was considering who God was and who these people were sitting in that sanctuary every Sunday.

God commands us to love one another. I remember thinking, WOW...that's exactly what I need. To be with people who are commanded to love one another. If they were commanded to love one another, then they could love me too. I had never felt any other type of love besides that of my husband. While unbelievable, I believed I could be loved in that place.

It was right there in writing, why would I not believe it could be true?

The fact that the church outlined it as an important value, set my expectation.

If I went into a new restaurant, it is assumed that I would be handed a menu. From the menu, I order a steak, baked potato and broccoli. It's right there on the menu, looks wonderful. In fact, my mouth is watering waiting for the waitress to bring my meal. I have done my part by taking an active part in choosing from the menu and being polite to the waitress.

When the plate arrives at the table, it is chicken, rice and beans. What disappointment I must feel to be given something so opposite of what was advertised, offered, and promised. The only explanation the waitress can offer is that the cook was just too busy with his own life to fix the meal as originally advertised. The only apology given is to please excuse him because he is only human and makes mistakes.

I think the same is true of this church and this scripture. They set the expectation, fall short and find every excuse to not live up to what they set as their own standards.

(I have been told that this is a common problem in many churches.)

This is an expectation that was set for me by the church. There are other values listed, but they are probably more suited to take on another day.

Even though I now understand why I have these expectations and I know there is a definite problem, I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. That will be the next thing to work through on this level, I suppose.