It's been a while...

Yes, it's been a while since I've actually posted on this blog. It isn't from lack of trying. I think I have many drafts that never made it public. Maybe it's because I feel as though my struggles are so documented on my heart and in my mind that I don't need to share them with anyone else.

It becomes more and more difficult to share the whole of my life without sharing the most hidden and dark issues that I carry with me.

While I toil around in my mess, I can see that there is forward motion.

Let me recount the past four years of simple progress seen just in this time of year:

Four years ago, I struggled, limped through the holidays broken-hearted and not understanding why. I also could never imagine stepping foot in a church.

Three years ago, I was involved in a church but barely getting by through this time. My neice and nephew visited over Thanksgiving, giving me a boost through the holidays and I was able to manage...although still heart-broken.

Two years ago, I had absolutely no contact with any family. My fight to just survive the eight week window of the holidays became just that...a fight. Nobody around me nor myself could understand why there was a battle raging inside me that would leave me barely clinging on by my fingertips.

One year ago, pieces of my battle began to unravel and were seen by those closest to me. This would begin a year of discovery for all those close to me and especially for me.

This year....

Last year, my downward spiral was seen by many and the details were revealed to three people. For many months, three people walk through a very tough time of discovery and acceptance. Over the span of six months, a few more people close to me became aware of my illness. Fear kept me from wanting to share with others, which I believe is a natural response to living with this particular illness.

What I learned was that as most of the few learned what I was dealing with, they became more understanding and more compassionate. To my surprise and despite my fear, they were more accepting of my illness than I was.

Now, here I am once again in this volatile time of year. Looking back, I had truly gone through each of the past four years and many more before that almost alone. Even those few who knew of the fight I was going through, none were aware of why.

Just the fact that I don't have to face this time of year alone and that some of those around me understand better how to help me, is a measure of progress that I cannot deny. It is also a measure of God's love for me.

I know that very few people, if any, read this blog and that is ok. It was started for myself, so that I could have a place to come to remind myself of where I have come from, how far I have come and of the end goal. However, whether you know me or not; whether you have read any of my other posts or not; I'd ask that you please pray for those around me.

Please pray for them to continue to love me, even when I make that difficult.
Please pray for them to have grace with me, even when I cannot find my own.
Please pray for them to find patience with me, even when I test their love for me.
Please pray for them to have understanding with me, even when I don't understand myself.
Please pray for them to have strength to fight, even when I have given up.
Please pray for them to continue to allow God to speak and love through them, even when I don't believe.

It is not an over dramatic statement to say my life depends on those around me. A prayer for them is a prayer for me.