Sometimes....

Whether it be circumstances or relationships or our own issues, I think sometimes we just get to be angry. Sometimes, I think we get to be angry and don't have to find the good in anything.


I am right there, in that time when nothing is good and I am angry at everything. I don't even feel guilty about it either. With as little as I know, understand and believe about God, I think one thing is true. If He knows every hair on my head, then He surely knows how I feel and why. Why even bother trying to hide what is true, right?

It has been a long, hard year and I have a lot to be angry about without question. My circumstances have forced me into a dark place and I feel as though I have lost more than I have gained. I get to be angry about that.

A year ago, I had a great job. It was stressful and many of the people I worked with were unkind, but I loved the job regardless. In January of this year, I took a temporary medical leave of absence. Temporary turned into permanent, which led to my resignation this fall. It has been an incredibly painful loss for me. For nine years, that has been my home away from home. I put my heart into much of what I did. Dysfunctional at their best, the people were the closest thing I had to a family. It has been a loss all the way around and one that adds to the loneliness this time of year brings.

It has been over a year now since I have been able to drive.  In the past year, I have heard people complain about the price of gas, traffic and having to drive across town on errands.  In my little mind, I'm saying "are you kidding me?"  In not being able to drive, I have lost the ability to do those things.  I must depend on someone else if I want to go anywhere.  I'm rarely given choices and am usually at the mercy of the person willing to let me tag along, which I am thankful for.  But think for a second how you would feel if for a solid year that you only had limited choices of where you could shop, eat, or even spend your spare time?  It's another loss that makes me angry.

For most of the past nine months, I have not been allowed to spend any large amount of time alone.  In fact, I am only allowed one hour alone on any given day.  That hour alone rarely happens and usually is interupted by a phone call halfway through.  I am not discounting the effort it takes for those around me to make sure that I am never left alone.  But think again how you would feel to not have the ability to have alone time.  It is a freedom that many people enjoy without realizing that it is a freedom.  I am most angry about this loss. 

This year has been full of learning things about myself that I hadn't previously known and most of it has been dark and ugly.  I have taken steps backwards by learning that a survivor is someone who has lived through abuse and accepting that I am not yet a survivor.  With all that I have learned and all that has happened this year alone, I am not yet a survivor of abuse and I am angry about that.

God tells me right in the bible that I don't just have to be angry about all of these things, I get to hate them and rightfully so.  Romans 12:9 says "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good."  My anger is a direct result of the evil that has been done in my life.  I get to be angry. I get to hate it!  And...I'm guessing if God knows me that well, then He knows that right now I can't cling to anything good.  The only hope I have left is that someone else is clinging to the good and will grab my hand before I fall.