That's a fairly generic title for the content that's filling my head. There are a chain of events that are sitting heavy on my heart. When you don't understand something that happens, it's hard to file it away.
About six months ago, I became aware of a tragedy that hit me so hard that I couldn't bring myself to write about it or even talk about it much. I'm not even sure I can say much about it now beyond just a summary.
When I was younger, I babysat a girl named Kandi and her brother, Jesse. Really long story short, that job ended when my grandma went to the authorities about sexual abuse that was happening in Kandi's home. Fast forward many years later, I find an obituary in a local paper for Kandi. She had been brutally murdered by her husband. Without question, I still struggle with understanding this.
A few months later, I learn that my sister-in-law's brother was killed in an auto accident. The youngest son in a family who had already lost an older sister suddenly at a young age. My brother, who I've always known to be the most sensitive of the three of us, was on the emergency call to the site of the accident. With an upside down truck, I suppose there is no way to really know who you will rescue or recover. It was my brother who recovered the body of his brother-in-law, a kid he watched grow up. It's hard to believe that the young boy I watched wrestling around with my nephew had grown up, was about to become a first-time father and was now gone. I was once again asking myself, why?
Two weeks ago, I saw a news story on the local station about a young lady found dead. Later that evening, I found out this was a young lady from back home. Coming from a small town, there were so many connections to her family through friends and family. Murdered by her boyfriend, I struggle to make sense of why.
This Saturday, I received a message from a dear friend. Her sister-in-law had been killed in a car accident. The wife of one of Kent's friends, this was another young lady that I remember from when she was a baby. Growing up with her sisters, I remember when her mom was pregnant with her. She had grown up, gotten married and had three children of her own, with the youngest turning one this upcoming Saturday. How does this make sense?
I have no place to put this strand of events. There's no file in my wee little brain to put senseless tragedies that happen to young people with so much life left ahead of them.
Saturday night, I broke. I've been told that when you don't understand, you are supposed to turn to God. I just couldn't do that. I think I had a full fit with God over these things. I mean turned away, arms crossed, shaking my head and saying "Nope, God. None of these things make sense and I'm not looking back to you until you explain it to me."
Really, I'm doing that with my entire life right now. Explain it to me because I don't understand. On a very personal level and completely separate from all of these events, I've been knocked down and repeatedly kicked the past few weeks. I think I've hit rock bottom with life. Maybe my fit is more of my way of telling God that if I'm going to make it through, then He's going to have to give me what I need. I know I don't NEED answers to questions, but I do know that I NEED something to grab onto so that I don't end up on that list of tragedies.
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