Christmas Eve

I would love to be asleep, but an emotionally draining morning led to a three hour nap and me being wide awake.

It's officially Christmas Eve, which could be part of the reason for the emotionally draining morning I had.

With the exception of a couple loaves of bread, all of my baking is done.  Cake pops are all finished, delivered and probably consumed.  Christmas is all purchased, wrapped and under the tree.  An instrumental medley of Christmas music is playing and the lights are twinkling. 

All that is left to do is celebrate the birth of the Savior.  That's all that should be left, anyway. 

I don't know what you are doing tonight, maybe wrapping gifts or doing last minute baking.  Maybe you are prepping your home for family or maybe you are already enjoying those who have traveled to see you.  Maybe you are in route or prepping to travel to see family. 

Me, I sit here filled with grief.  It isn't that I focus on the negative or enjoy the sadness.  It really is a completely natural thing to grieve big losses at this time of year. 

Tomorrow night, we will make the 2 1/2 trek to SE Kansas to spend time with my husband's family.  It really is the only time of year that we spend any quantity of time with them.  But just the thought this year makes me anxious and sick. 

This has been a tough year in so many ways and one of those has been with this family.  His mom has continued to mentally decline.  His dad has struggled with a couple health issues while doing his best to care for his wife.  The family dynamic has changed with the hub of the family now permanently impaired.  I'm heartbroken for my husband and his family, praying for some semblance of happy Christmas' past at least one more year.

I can't get excited about the visit.  His siblings have a serious dislike of me (I've been told hate might be a bit strong, even though I'm convinced they do hate me).  His niece and nephew are young adults who often act like elementary school children.  I'm not exaggerating when I say the family as a whole will ignore me and be happier if I am isolated to a part of the house where they cannot see me.  It will be miserable, as usual.

I will be with a family who doesn't want me around while I'm grieving another family who doesn't want me either.  Just a little over 10 minutes away, my family will be celebrating Christmas. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm positive that they will be dysfunctionally celebrating because they are incapable of doing it any other way. 

My brothers, sister-in-law, nieces and nephews....it's another painful Christmas away from them.  They won't contact me, no Christmas cards.  I won't contact them, it's too hard.  So close, yet so far away.  I will think about them all day long and hold onto that unrealistic hope that they will be something they aren't or do something they won't. 

I've got to be honest, I have been praying about this.  I've prayed for a miracle.  I've prayed that my anxiety and sadness would all be pushed aside by the love of my family.  I've prayed that the same God who moved mountains would also bring repentance and redemption to my family.  I've prayed that the same God who put the stars in the sky would purge the evil from my parents' hearts and replace it with a genuine love for me.  A true Christmas miracle that would all be.

Sadly, I don't have the kind of faith to believe any of that could ever happen.  I think I need to stick to just praying for the strength to get through it all until it doesn't hurt so much.  The grief is fairly significant this year.  Maybe getting through is going to have to be the Christmas miracle I have to settle for this year.