At least I can see now that I'm in the home stretch of the worst month of the year. The problem is that it get infinitely worse before it gets better.
All the little naggy sad things that bothered me last month are now giant huge mountains from the minute my eyes open until they close everyday.
It seems unfair that one month of the year makes me miss everything I don't have. Today, it's a job.
I know I said it last year, but this time of year especially makes me miss having a job. It probably seems silly to most everyone. Who wouldn't love not having to do the daily grind everyday, right?
It didn't really matter where I worked, Christmas was always a special, unique time. My co-workers, they were my substitute family. Christmas, it was a time when everyone was able for a time to put aside their differences and show genuine care for each other.
I miss it all. Cookie exchanges. Secret Santa. Christmas parties. Dinners. Celebrating with each other. White elephants. Surprise gifts on my desk.
It was my hustle and bustle of the holidays. It was my warmth on a cold night. It was my light in a dark time.
Those things, they were all more to me than just things.
There are two things that my horrid background has created in me (ok, a lot more than 2 but I'm focusing just on 2). One is that I have a very strong desire to be included. Being in a group of people I know, it's my affirmation that I am wanted and I have a purpose. I know that this is a very natural desire even for people who have no abuse in their background. It's a very natural thing! The abusive background only intensifies this.
Not having this is even more difficult with my background. When everyone around me is scurrying off to this party or that during December, it's a constant battle for me to not personalize it. It's almost impossible to keep in perspective that an empty calendar doesn't mean I have no purpose or am unwanted.
Sadly for my husband, many of our weekend nights are spent driving around looking at Christmas light displays. All while I stare intently out my window biting my lip and doing my best to hold back tears.
The other thing is the gifts. Don't take this as a greedy thing, PLEASE! Receiving gifts is my primary love language, followed closely by words of affirmation. That's just honest.
I have a theory on why that is so.
When I was little, I knew my parents didn't love me. They rarely gave me gifts and when they did, the gifts were usually attached to a condition or horrific act of abuse. I don't think I ever considered it a gift at that point.
My grandma, dysfunctional and screwed up, told us all that she loved us. She always went above and beyond to get us at least one nice gift for our birthdays and Christmas. On our birthdays, she always gave us $25. With $25 we were rich!!! At Christmas, she always did something nice. When we were younger, it was a winter coat and a toy. The toy was taken away from us the minute we got home. As we got older, she would get us something we wanted and usually slip a $20 in the package.
See the pattern? Someone loved me, I got a gift. Someone didn't love, no gift. Don't get me wrong, I know people care about me without having received some small token from them. But you see how I so easily can tie together the idea that someone truly loves me or cares about me because they gave a gift.
I think that adds to the difficulty of this time of year.
After so many years with my husband, I think he has finally figured out that he has to wrap each of my gifts individually. I want to wake up on Christmas morning and have the floor under the tree full of gifts. Whether giving the gifts or receiving them, it is so symbolic of the amount of love that is there. My poor husband has learned that one box with a bunch of things in it just doesn't get as much excitement as each little thing being wrapped individually.
Can you see why my past jobs have helped provide so much of what I needed to get through December?
Cookie exchanges. Secret Santa. Christmas parties. Dinners. Celebrating with each other. White elephants. Surprise gifts on my desk.
So much of what I needed just to survive this time of year was found within my work family. It's not something I've been able to find any other place. I've found glimpses of it over the past few years, but nothing consistent. I see glimpses of it in people I am around, so I know it is possible. It's just not within my grasp right now.
Maybe someday....
No comments:
Post a Comment