Several weeks ago, I wrote out lots of blog posts and scheduled them. I have since figured out that I don't really like incorporating the recipes in this blog. They just don't belong here. So, I'll be transfering them back over to the cooking blog. I don't mind the crafts being on here because they are the balance in my life.
As I said in one of those posts, I never know how long these "good" times are going to last. Unfortunately, it didn't last much past me typing it.
Don't get me wrong, to the rest of the world, I usually look like things are good. I keep myself put together long enough to get through any and all interaction with people. When things get bad, that gets more difficult. It gets harder to hide the depression and anxiety. So, I tend to hide out at home or generally avoid human contact. Even the people who are safe to talk to, I avoid. I know silly. But, I do have to illusion that if I don't talk about it, "it" WILL go away.
I have been bobbing along all summer on the edge of breaking down, but managed to hold off. But when several things happen, one after another, I get overwhelmed and break. That's what happened the past few weeks.
We had an extremely difficult birthday dinner with my husband's family. That will get a post all of it's own, but it was painful. The passive-aggressive claws came out and the conversations were like watching two cats face off. I literally cried the whole hour long drive home from the personal hurt I felt and this isn't even my family.
I have several friends who have confided in me, relied on me, and come to me with a variety of issues. I have been extremely happy to listen to them, talk to them, encourage them and help them. But when you are fighting your own monster alone, it wears you down. I feel sorry for those who have come to me because I know I haven't always been able to give 100%.
Speaking of going at alone, I really have the past few weeks. I have become a master at surface relationships. While I still struggle to have deep relationships. I have one or two or three, maybe. But those are newish and I live with a very real fear that they aren't strong enough yet to survive the other person seeing me in a breakdown.
My husband's schedule continues to be very busy. He did have an interview this week that could potentially put an end to all the extra jobs. But until then, we pray and try to take advantage of the time we have together. It also looks like his travel schedule is going to pick back up as he travels this week for the first time since June.
Again, this will probably be a post all of its own, but I found out just yesterday that we won't be spending Thanksgiving with my brother and his family. I spent a day in shock and am now trying to sort through the various levels of heartache this brings.
I won't even go into the myriad of nightmares, flashbacks and memories that keep me awake all night or in a constant state of irritation and hypervigiliance.
Over the past couple months, I had made it to church several times. I still find myself struggling to connect to the church. It isn't just this church, I think I would feel that way anywhere. Last year, I at least had a couple ministries that kept my foot in the door. I had the church decorating and the kitchen.
The decorating is no more and for reasons I can't even explain in an intelligent way. The kitchen is there, but barely. I get contacted when there is a problem or supplies are needed. Last year, I was involved in and organized meals on Wednesday evenings. Because of a lack of volunteers, that ministry is no more. At first, I was happy about that. It was a lot of work. I didn't think it would bother me, but it certainly does. I kind of feel like I have nothing now. And I mean that. Outside of a couple things I do in the women's ministry, I have been shut out of just about anything and everything I would be interested in within this church. That's a tough reality.
So today when I woke up and heard the rain falling, I grabbed my shoes and headed to the garden. Still in my pjs, I picked tomatoes. The rain was a symbol of life for me today. The rain falls, grass and plants grow. The dry, brittle grass is revived after a soaking rain. As the rain drenched me, all I could think about was how I needed for something to feed me...revive me. I needed to feel alive again.
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