Thankful Thursday

Since I blog for myself and not the reader, I have largely stayed away from the blogging trends.  I'm still not particularly drawn to them.  However, I think some of them have benefit and validity.

There is no doubt that my life tends to be messier than the average bear.  Because of that, I tend to go through seasons where I struggle to find the positive.  There are days when my ever present blessings surround me, yet I cannot see them. 

And so, Thankful Thursday has been birthed.  Not an original idea, but a challenge I am willing to take on for myself.  I won't force myself to find the things I am thankful for but intentionally create a running log of the many blessings in my life.  When those seasons come, I will have a place to remind myself of what is already there.

I'm starting in an odd place.  Today is my brother's birthday, so I felt it was appropriate to start within my family.  I know, I know...not what anyone was thinking I am sure.

I haven't worked full time since December 2009.  I can't.  While I have been fairly stable all summer, that too has been a season.  Just like any other season, there is no set time frame.  It may be permanent or it could be over by the end of the day.  Needless-to-say, working a full time job has been impossible for me and likely still is with my sleep patterns.  And yes, the weight of the blame for this lies directly on my family.

Throughout the time I haven't worked, I have struggled with not having job.  I tied my identity to it.  Not only that, but I didn't know what to do with myself.  I hadn't embraced anything to keep me busy.  My days were long and pushed me deeper into depression and dysfunction.

The general population hasn't helped with that struggle either.  Whether I was shopping or at the salon or in a group of people, I got such odd questions and looks when I said I didn't work.  I mean I look capable, especially when you don't understand the background reasons. 

In this hustle and bustle world we live in, the idea of being a stay at home housewife is a foreign concept.  In fact, I think the term stay-at-home-momless-wife would probably garner less confusion for some. 

Honestly, it has only been in the past 6-9 months that I have begun to embrace the idea of being a housewife.  Although, I'm not sure why it took so long.

As I was thinking through that this morning, I realized that it was my mom's and my generations who made being a homemaker obsolete as a profession.  Get this, before that happened, it was NORMAL for women to work in the home and not out of it. 

Of all people, it was my grandma who taught me that.  Yes, my cussing, love-to-be-naked, soap opera addicted, dirty magazine reading, porn watching grandma taught me that being a homemaker was the most important job you could have as a wife.

Despite her faults, she made her house a home.  She was very routine.  She got up early every morning and made my grandpa breakfast most days.  When he was still working, she packed his lunch and made the bed before he walked out the door everyday.  After breakfast, she washed dishes, cleaned the house, ran errands and did all before lunch.

After my grandpa retired, she made lunch everyday.  Her afternoon was reserved for soap operas, but good grief she had nothing else left to do.  She would often fall asleep between soaps and dinner.  She would fix dinner and clean the kitchen again afterward.  In the evenings, she would sit on the deck with my grandpa, go walking or visit neighbors or family. 

I know, even I am having to pause for a moment with the shock that there could be something so normal within my family.  Believe me, this is probably the best it gets.

My grandma worked for only a brief time at a local ice cream/burger joint.  That was it.  No other job ever outside of the home.  She fully embraced being a homemaker.  She enjoyed it.  It was her job.  In fact, right before she passed she received her social security statement.  She became eligible for it within days of her death.  She was terribly mad that her benefits were so low.  The reason, she had never held a job.  She put nothing in, so the amount given to her was the bare minimum.

Looking back though, I am so thankful to have those memories.  I am so thankful she embraced that part of her life.  Putting all the other crap aside, all the bad stuff about her, I am thankful she set an example for me.  I have something to strive for, I really do.  I want to embrace my place as a wife in the home like she did.  I want to develop that routine, keep my house clean daily, joyfully serve my husband the way she did.  This is probably the only way I long to be like anyone in my family.

I am thankful for what she taught me and the example she set.  I am thankful to know that even though she has long passed, she can give me confidence in my place in life and the home.