Church Return

This past week has been rough. We traveled 7 of 8 days on 2 separate trips. The latter was the longer and more emotional. I didn't have great internet coverage in rural Kansas, so I've got some catching up to do.

My friend who passed never left our first church. She was considering it when she got sick. Her cancer diagnosis changed things. She said she wanted to stay put until she was better and get up to visiting churches. That never happened and I know it was all in Gods master plan for her.

Let me really start there. My friend was a member of the church long before us. The pastor of that church did not perform the service. Even though he's been her pastor for over four years, the family chose someone else.

Yes, I'm certain this surprised a lot of people but those of us who knew the score. There's a lot of dynamics that I won't go into, but let me share what is mine to say.

The pastor of that church is an incredibly intelligent and gifted man of God. He is gifted in preaching and has a great knowledge of theology and scripture. He, admittedly, is not gifted in people skills. I've personally watched him struggle in connecting with the congregation and especially with women. He can even come across as offensive and lacking compassion. It's there, but you have to dig deep. I see a lot of this in this situation.

It's important to point out that pastors and many professionals aren't well balanced in their giftedness, as I've seen. Some are great with people, but stink at leadership. Some stink with people, but run an office with sufficiency. In eye care, I saw that too. You have doctors who are awesome with the finances, but have a less desirable repore with patients and vice versa. It's a rare gem to find one who is an even balance.

All that to say, we had good reasons for leaving that church. We were in disapproval of how the church was being led and the changes, which were being made. We disagreed with policies when they failed to be in line with what leadership had previously taught us.

I don't bring any of that up to point fingers or poke at an old scab. Forgiveness was difficult for me. The leadership showed no compassion when we left and had a "good riddance" attitude toward us. I still believe that was biblically incorrect and is what kept me stuck in bitterness for so long.

Forgiveness didn't come easy. In fact, I'd say it didn't come until we moved and I had a chance to talk with others about it. But I have forgiven and no longer hold onto any bitterness. However, the emotions still flooded me as I walked back into the church last week.

The day wasn't about me and that allowed me some peace as I walked through the doors. My first contact inside the foyer was a dear, sweet friend who met me with a hug. In that instant, I felt like I was oddly back at home.

Keep in mind, we have no intention of ever returning to the church and would probably question God if ever felt led there. So, I was pleasantly surprised at how it all felt normal to me.

As I stepped into the sanctuary, I had one person after another coming to hug me. I loved it, but did feel overwhelmed. I was there to grieve and I almost felt guilty that feeling loved seemed to take over for me.

While sitting in the sanctuary, I had one memory after another of time I spent there. Having volunteered there, I spent more time than most. I won't lie, there were many times I fell asleep on the pews or floor. When life was super crazy and I has severe insomnia, that sanctuary was the only place where I could relax and be quiet.

So many good memories. There were bad ones too. But the good were definitely the focus. Probably the best was my baptism. How could I ever not feel a sense of home in the place I was baptized? The place itself most certainly embraced me and comforted me as I sat in mourning.

The people also made it feel like home. Let me say this, there were definitely a great deal of those in attendance who'd left the church. We were in good company as many were walking back in for the first time since leaving. But I was super excited at the number of people who are still members who made me feel welcome.

Not trying to offend, but that isn't a strength of the church. I saw it while I was there and experienced it when we left. If you leave, you're an outsider. Even though you're still a Christian, still a brother or sister in Christ, you are shunned. Very few people stayed in contact with us except through social media.

It was awesome to see that not seem to matter on that day. At least to most. Don't get me wrong. There were still a group who didn't bother to even say hello when our elbows accidentally touched. So sad for them, that they still have a lot of maturing to do.

I couldn't have predicted how things would go. I couldn't have guessed how happy it would make me to step foot in our first church.

I can say happy with conviction. It was a reminder of how God led us there and worked in our lives. That church was my first, the place where God slowly and confidently showed himself to me. I suppose it's similar to the emotions I have for our first home. It wasn't always easy, even painful at times, but it was a good place. It was the place where something bigger in our lives began.

I don't have any plans to return, but if ever I need to, I will. I'll happily go. I'm so thankful for the ways God has used that church. Even the hardest of times, God has used to teach us.