There are no outsiders...

in the body of Christ.

There shouldn't be anyway.

Not that I don't always, but I'm going to get pretty real.

I struggle in church. No surprise there, I suppose. Sunday mornings are the most lonely, painful time in my entire weekly routine. It shouldn't be that way. Being amongst other believers, brothers and sisters in Christ, should be some of the most encouraging times of the week.

Let me start by saying, I'm not saying people in church are bad or it's just this church. Sunday mornings in church touch on a very real, very insecure core value that was set for me as a child.

If you don't know, I grew up in a place where church was bad. God was bad. I didn't belong there. Church people and church buildings were off limits and became a very fearful area for me. That's the way it was for 32 years. Church was a place for anyone but me, I didn't belong there.

Keep in mind, I know that God tells me through the bible and His love for me tells me that I do belong in church.

But what happens nearly every Sunday and has for eight years, taps into all those insecurities of feeling as though I don't belong.

At our first church, it took over five years before I felt as though I wasn't invisible. As a new Christian, who didn't know how church worked or what to really expect of church people, church was a difficult thing.

I was a bit strange to them and a lot introverted. I was out of my element. On the flip side, not many really cared about my comfort level. My comfort level had a direct affect on my Christian walk. Not many understood that and only a couple people ever took an active role in trying to help.

At our second church, it was better. It was so full, that it wasn't lonely for the first few months. Once we found out we were moving, it certainly went back to feeling lonely. Once people knew, they chose to not invest any time in us.

We've been here at this church for a year now. Let me describe a Sunday morning. There is one woman who will shake my hand, give me a hug and say hello. Another that sits in the same row will also say hello. If they are gone, I literally have no interaction with anyone except my husband.

Today's like today, I sit alone waiting for church to start. My husband is serving in the sound booth. People I've met pass by with not so much of a glance. I sit fighting back tears as I hear the hum of everyone visiting. I hear familiar voices chatting while I sit completely alone.

In that moment, my insecurities surface. I begin to question what is wrong with me. Why do I repel people? I think back over everything I've said or done for the past year. There's nothing I've done or said that shouldn't have been covered by grace and vice versa. There's should be nothing standing in the way of me being a part of this body.

This church isn't unique. I've been here over and over. It doesn't drive me away from God, but it does push me further from being an active member of the body. It doesn't encourage me to love nor to be comfortable.

Most people have no clue that this is a struggle for me. They have no clue that satan uses their actions to separate me from the body.

It's been eight years. I've tried so many different ways to make this different. I'm at a loss on how to make a change. I've no clue how to not feel like an outsider.

There are no outsiders in the body. Even in the midst of sinners, there's no outsiders.

I didn't grow up here. I didn't grow up in the church. So, how do we change the church to embrace people who not always been there?

I've so rarely not been the outsider. However, I've done my best to embrace people who came behind me. People who became Christians later in life and are walking a similar path into the church body. Yes, this struggle is far from being mine alone.

For the better, churches are communities. For some, it's their only community. But, that community has a great influence on the growth and faith, especially of those who didn't grow up in church. Why can't they see that? What will it take for God to change hearts? What has to happen for the body to become all inclusive?

Do you? Do you speak to new people? Do you reach out to the lonely? It's not difficult to find them. Look around. We are in each and every church. We are waiting to see the kindness of Christ in others. We are waiting to feel a part of the body in ways only you can provide.