Back Up

Most of my days here in Ohio are spent at home. Sure, I'll go to the store and on weekends, we usually do something. But, mostly, I'm home alone or with my husband. So, I look, feel, act and seem as normal at home as anybody else.

We both know I have PTSD and anxiety, but when I rarely leave the house, I'm triggered little. Most of my triggers are memory and have nothing to do with other people.

It's fair to say, I forget. We forget. I forget that I'm triggered by strangers and unfamiliar places.

We had a rough trip to Dayton today. I wanted to go, but had a tough insomnia night with barely three hours of sleep.

When we walked into our usual Trader Joes, I quickly saw that they were in the middle of a remodel. It's needed. The place is crammed full and they've needed to do it a long while. However, nothing was in its usual place. It was unfamiliar.

There was frustration and confusion. We both wondered around searching for our usual products. No easy task. That rattled me, but only slightly. I've learned to adapt much faster to unfamiliar places. But, still, I could tell my lack of sleep was making it a touch difficult.

At checkout, a slightly older couple got in line behind us. My husband was helping bag the groceries and I was waiting to pay. The woman stayed in line while the man came up to us and stood about a foot behind me.

I knew he was there. Before I go further, even if I were perfectly normal, I'd have thought where he was standing was odd and uncomfortable. He was basically hovering behind me and between my husband and I at the end of the checkout lane. Weird.

Of course I'm fine until I'm not. His position made me not fine. He figgited and was close enough, I could feel him moving. I got physically uncomfortable and began to shutter. I felt trapped with a strange man too close behind me. I was so uncomfortable that I screwed up the prompts with payment and had to start over.

My husband could see the problem and did nothing. The cashier saw and tried to redirect the couple to another lane with no success.

I knew I was seconds from breaking down. My body was shaking more and I could feel uncontrollable tears coming. I finally turned to the man and politely asked him to take a few steps away from me.

We finished and left. It took me a while to unwind and calm my body.

A few years ago, I'd have not handled the situation the same. I wouldn't have been able to. I would have either lashed out at someone or froze and cried. I didn't do either. I held it in as long as I could and handled it the best I could when I knew I couldn't go one more second.

I don't freak out if someone I know comes up behind me. Sure, I might get jumpy, but I'm ok. This was a strange man with odd behavior. It was a huge trigger.

It's been a while since I've had a public incident like this. The recovery isn't any easier now than it was last time or even the first time. It was hard. It was a reminder that I'm still not normal. As much as I like to seem normal and look normal to everyone, I'm not. I have severe PTSD. It doesn't have me. I don't let it confine me or make me afraid of going and trying things. But I do have it and it's not going anywhere.

I'd like to forget, but I can't.