Alcoholic

There hasn't been a lot of time to blog lately. Sure, I could blame holidays or busyness. That's not it. I'm tired, but for good reason. I'm a chronic insomniac, so I struggle to sleep anyway. But a few months ago, I was invited (pushed by God) on a journey with a dear friend.

During a random conversation, she confided in me that she was an alcoholic and was trying to quit.

Instantly, I jumped on board. If she trusted me enough to share her toughest struggled, it was my place to trust God to guide me in this journey with her. There was no question, I was to join her. Fight for her. Fight with her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Be there with her. Be there for her.

Let me be clear. I did not take this on as a project. I don't have a false idea I'm a savior for her. She's my friend. I love her. I went all in because God made it clear I needed to do it. I didn't think for a second it would be quick or easy. I never believed it would be an average relationship. I never thought I'd be able to throw a couple antecdotes or books at her and she'd be healed.

I knew this would be hard. I knew it would consume lots of time and energy. And it has. I'd give it all again and more if I could.

A few years ago, I watched a man my age spiral out of control with alcohol and die. It was painful for everyone who knew him and no doubt for him. There was a part of me that thought I would be damned if I watched another person I cared about die.

If you've never walked with an alcoholic in any capacity, it's easy to believe the person is choosing to drink or in control of their poor choices. Not so. The alcoholism is driven by misfiring in their thinking and brain. It's no different than someone having a propensity toward depression or anxiety. There's very little control.

Quitting is a long, painful process of rewiring thinking and getting to the bottom of base problem. It is hard. Painful. Easier to go back to drinking than address the issues. Many alcoholics fail. Some fail then succeed and then repeat. Over and over.

That is the reality on this journey. A reality that all need to know if they are going to be of any help at all. Those things have to be accepted so the expectations can be fairly set.

Thankfully, my friend is strong and truly does desire sobriety. When she's not melting down our friendship is normal. Remember, I love her. In good and bad times. So the good times are really good.

The bad times. Well...they are really bad. They scare me and bring me to my knees. Those times, I know just how inadequate I am and how much I must rely on God. He can and always will do far more than me.

Those times are hard and super emotional. It's almost always late at night. There's often talk of suicide or lack of desire to live. I won't lie. It drains me. Physically and emotionally. I will stay awake hours fighting the adrenaline from talking her off the ledge. It wears me out. I get angry. Not at her, but at the illness. There are hours of nail biting fear and pacing.

It sucks seeing someone you love hurt so bad they want to drink. It's also a constant balance of knowing how much you can allow and when to call for help. There are so many times when saying, "I quit" would be so much easier.

Let's be honest. Quitting would mean I'd miss the victories. The front row to seeing God work. Those moments are sometimes few, but bigger than any meltdown. The times when she decides not to drink. The fleeting moments when she admits life is better without alcohol. Those moments are worth it. Those small victories are worth giant praises to the Lord. I don't want to walk out on those.

So for now, I'll take tired days and sleepless nights. I'll take the late night texts, good or bad. I'll support and encourage. I'll trade rest for pleading on my knees. I know God has a plan in this. A plan for restoration for her and a growing of faith for me. I know it. I know God has allowed me to love this friend and will give me everything I need when I need it. I know God has given me a front row seat to see what he's doing. It's worth it. She's worth it.