Monday?

Today was one of those days. No, not a bad day. It started out great. I woke up and got a lot of work done. I felt accomplished. I was tired, but had a fairly easy day planned. It should have been easy.

But here I am about to go to bed and broken down, tears and all. My day didn't have to end like this. It wasn't anything I did and it wasn't one specific thing. Maybe it was wrong place, wrong time. Maybe it was taking on too much. Maybe it was being vulnerable. Maybe it was an underlying pain that wasn't addressed. Maybe I'm tired.

I've been giving a lot lately. Doing things outside my comfort zone and even inside. This season is busier than usual. My tank has run empty. I've had anxiety and my own sadness that's gotten pushed aside.

I won't point fingers, but my day did have a lot of outside influence. Things and people who did their best to crush me with negativity. People and situations that made me feel as though I'm fighting hopeless battles. All of it. It all left me laying here crying out for God to take it all. I don't want it. Can't do anything about it. Can't fix it. Don't think I'm representing Him well.

There are so many people who'd say just brush it of. Let it go. You are too blessed to be stressed. I've heard it all. Yes, those work sometimes. I'm empty. My emotional tank is running on fumes. It has for a long while now. Do you know how far you get on an empty tank? Not far at all. You know how much you can donate when your bank account is empty? Not much. That's where I'm at emotionally.

Really, I'm no different than most other people. I think a lot of people run on empty a lot. Maybe the difference is that I'm willing to say it.

All evening, I've searched for the right word to describe how I'm feeling. I don't say this without a lot of consideration, but I think hurting might be right. I've not lost anything or anyone. It's not that I'm being overly sensitive with my feelings. But I do feel like I've been a verbal punching bag for people lately. I do feel a bit lost, alone. I definitely feel unwanted, not needed.

I'm not sure what to do. Some of this is ongoing. Some of this has been a struggle since we moved. I don't know how to change it. I know not every night ends like this, but more and more often they have. I don't have to think, I know. When my tank isn't empty, ordinary days that take minor turns are a lot easier for me.