Reality of Alone

It is a beautiful spring day. We celebrated a risen savior this morning. Yesterday, we wrapped up a relaxing week of vacation. There's much to be thankful for today. Yet, we've had this overwhelming feeling of being alone.

Usually, it's just me. I'm the one who feels stranded in life alone. But, it's hitting us both. 

Part of the problem is that we are rolling into the two year anniversary of our move. It's still a struggle for us socially. We don't feel there's a place for us. We spend weeks or longer without conversations with anyone besides each other. 

On vacation, we found ourselves wishing we had friends or family to share with or even tell about the trip. Don't get me wrong, we know people. I have daily contact with one friend back home via text. Unfortunately, there's not much room right now for me to share. There's just no closeness. No relationships that are natural and close. 

Today being Easter hasn't helped. Again, make no mistake, I understand what Easter is about. 

We went to church. The music and testimonies were wonderful. The church was packed. There were families, friends and visitors. For us, it was similar to most Sunday's. We felt alone in a church full of people. After turning to everyone around me, one person finally shook my hand. 

This is not much different than usual. There's maybe a hug and one or two handshakes. We mostly look around at all the other people greeting and happily chatting with others during the greeting time. It's awkward and hard. 

As we talked about it at lunch, I scanned the restaurant. We were the only couple. Everyone else was with family or friends. Holidays have a way of reminding of our loneliness. Holidays are for spending time with family. We do ok most other days. But holidays slap us in the face with the reality of not having children and not having family.

Something else we've discussed is that nobody knows us. We have a handful of people who know a little or know testimonies. But that's it. In fact, if something happened to us while on vacation, I'm not sure anyone would miss us for a good long while.

I've prayed, we've prayed. We've even prayed for God to take away our desire for family or relationships. We've prayed for contentment in being alone. That hasn't happened either. So, we aren't sure what God has planned. We don't know how to understand what's going on here. As my husband's contract comes to an end, we have to consider if this is Gods way of telling us it's time to go.

If it seems like I'm down or discouraged, I am. I feel distant from God, completely unable to understand what he wants from me. Not sure what is next.