Fitting In???

This is one of those moments when it’s necessary to be brutally honest. Some people may not appreciate my honesty at times. I never do the “it’s my blog and I’ll say whatever I want” but it really is. I never mean to offend anyone, but I also cannot always speak the truth unless I am willing to be honest about the good and the bad.


I had the privilege of being an observer during a group activity/game with our youth group at church. I could hear the girls giggling and the guys, well, doing the guy “things.” By guy things, I mean wrestling, running and being children at heart.

The thing that came to mind while I listened and watched the youth group was their sense of togetherness. Sure, there were small groups that tended to hang together. But, there were no obvious outcasts. To take in an overview of the group, you would conclude that they genuinely enjoyed spending time with one another.

I know many of these kids have grown up in church together, so there is some familiarity. But they seemed to fit together as if were each a piece of a puzzle. I choked back each and every tear that came as I listened to the kids.

Looking back at my life and even now, I think that is something that has been missing. I don’t think I have ever found too many places where I felt as if I fit.

While I am very grateful for my church, it is one of those places where I have yet to find my place.

In all fairness, I have no other positive church experiences to compare this one to and I am very introverted in groups of any size.

The church I attend is comprised largely of seasoned Christians with a solid base of those who are charter members or long term members. I do believe that foundation of people is what makes a church very solid. I also believe it is the downfall to new Christians finding their place in the church.

Not since I was a child had I been to a Sunday School class. As Kent and I considered attending, a new class was forming. That class was great for me, not so much for me. The group had couples and singles who were my age or younger. The subjects they covered were basic enough that I could understand them and the questions that came up seemed to cover what was floating around in my head.

That class changed in leadership and in membership as well. The class I had become comfortable in was no more. Along with the change, the younger people left. Maybe it was the change that was too much for me. The new leadership in the class taught far beyond my understanding, so I too left.

I did visit other classes, but found similar experiences in all of them. They were full of seasoned Christians who conversed on a level my little brain could not follow. I have also had a difficult time finding a leader who was willing to answer the silly questions and literally hold the hand of a spiritual toddler.

Again, in all fairness to everyone involved, I have not spent time in every single class. I will be the first to admit that I gave up before exhausting every single opportunity. There may indeed be other opportunities there that I haven’t experienced.

That was two years ago this month and I still have not found a place in Sunday School where I fit.

Other bible studies have been much the same.

Kent and I have a small home. While we have enjoyed being a part of small groups, we have been hesitant to get too involved. Our home is old, small and dingy compared to every other home our groups have met in. We haven’t offered, not only for size, but for fear that we would be looked down on for how we live.

For a while, I thought I had found a place in our women’s bible studies. After attending for over a year, I realized that I was still just on the outside of every group of women. There was one night when it became painfully obvious that I would not easily fit in that group either.

A woman, Christian for years, offered her opinion one night about why women are raped. She said that women who wear provocative clothing are asking for it. I’m not one bit shy about saying that any group who allows a woman to say this so freely is not the place for me. Since then, I have struggled to go back. It’s easier to stay home.

I have tried more recently another small women’s bible study. The jury is still out on it. Could it be the place where I fit in the puzzle? Maybe, but I hold that idea very openly.

Kent and I have often thought about trying a different church. But, we feel very strongly that it was God who took us to that church. And, likewise, we feel God has not guided us to leave.

It is with tear stained cheeks and a lonely heart that I ask God to open a place for me. A place where He knows I fit and a place where I can find comfort in being a part of the puzzle.