Still There

Even though I carry it with me everyday, I had not opened my Grace for the Moment in nearly a month. I don't know what it's like for anyone else, but in tough times it easy to feel too broken, even for God.


I rarely have a problem directing others to God when they go through tough times. In my heart, I know that it is only in God that we can ever find true forgiveness, love, acceptance, comfort, joy and so much more. Even when we find those things in other people, it is because they are able to share what God has given them in abundance.

It is short trip at times to the bottom of that deep, dark pit where I feel broken in pieces and ripped to shreds. In that place is where I look at the mess I am and have no hope that even God can save me. It is here that a cloud of despair fills my heart and builds a wall between what I know is true and what I feel at the moment.

Looking back to my childhood, I realize that a deep, dark pit was a place of comfort for me. There were times when I would separate myself from the abuse and chaos around me by mentally going to a deep, dark pit. While it was a lonely place, it was a safe place. It was a place where nothing bad could happen. The longer I stayed there, the more deprived I became. Even in the safe place, I found myself alone, unable to breathe, and wanting to leave. Although I had created a place where I did not have to feel the physical and emotional pain, even the deep pit fostered a pain of it’s own.

Even if I did not know Him during those times, He knew me. I was a child, broken by circumstance, sin and evil. As I look at any child today, I know God loves them. Broken and alone, I too was loved by God as a child. But it is the evil that was so prevalent in my life which keeps me feeling too broken for even God.

With what is going on in my life right now, it’s even easier to feel as though I am broken into too many pieces for God to sew back together. I tend to look at the road I have ahead and feel overwhelmed. If it’s too big for me to imagine, then it must be too big for God. That is a thought that often consumes me and has wafted through my head a lot recently. Too big, too many pieces, too much and the road is just too long….I am too much for anyone and for God.

Today’s verse in Grace was this:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those whose spirits have been crushed. Psalm 34:18

How is it that today, May 26, 2010 I would need to know that? How could it have been so perfectly planned? Who knew I would be sitting in that deep, dark pit, knowing that I was broken beyond repair? Who knew I would need to be reminded that God loves the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirits have been crushed?

Only God!

Why?

Because He loves me and He is bigger than my brokenness!