...is a fireplace mantle.
I know that might seem like an odd thing to wish for, but maybe not when you understand why.
As you can imagine, my childhood was filled with trauma and pain. Each year I allowed myself to be full of hope, only to have it ripped away. My parents fulfilled only empty promises and left me heartbroken. They thought it was funny to take me to see Santa and let me excitement grow. On Christmas morning, I often found nothing for me or empty boxes filled with the echoes of my parents laughter as they watched my tears fall to the bottom. On occasion, I opened heavy, full gifts to find miscellaneous items for my brothers.
My grandma always hung stockings on fireplace for each of the six of us grandchildren. The other five had candy and toys filling their stockings. Because my grandma knew my dad would never allow me to keep candy or toys, she filled my stocking with apples, oranges and bananas. While it wasn't a complete disappointment, it still hurt. As a kid, I wondered why Santa wouldn't give me the same goodies the other kids got. However, it was better than nothing...never questioning and secretly crying in the corner.
When Kent and I looked at houses, I desperately wanted one with a fireplace. It wasn't that I wanted a fireplace so much as a mantle. I envisioned hanging stockings on the mantle for my kids, my husband and myself, filling them with everything wonderful.
I may not have been able to ever have stockings for children, but for 12 years I have been able to hang stockings for Kent, the dogs and myself. I fill each of the stockings and Kent fills mine. Without fail, we have been able to fulfill that deep-seeded desire to have a tradition which moves me further away from the many years of disappointment.
This year we won't be able to continue our tradition and it's difficult to accept.
Most of the house has been refinished since March of this year. It wasn't our decision to do the complete overhaul of the house, although it needed done. We were pushed into the decision by someone who hadn't considered what it would take to put back together. That person failed to take into consideration that we didn't have the finances to pay people to put the house back together once it was torn apart. We've gotten a lot done, but it's far from finished.
We had a few people help paint and do a couple miscellaneous repairs, but for the most part it has fallen all on Kent. He works three jobs and rarely has time to take on any of the many projects which are left. One of those projects is the mantle.
Our old mantle was ugly, but functional. It was ripped off the wall without any regard for when we be able to replace it. We found a mantle several months back. But the mantle is very low on the priority list, I mean we still don't have a bathroom sink installed in our 1/2 bath. So, it stays sitting in the box nestled in the back of the garage.
That silly mantle is a double whammy for me this year. It symbolizes wreck most of this past year has been and all the mess that is still undone in our lives or house. It also brings back some of those same feelings of disappointment that I've been keeping at bay for the past 12 years.
I don't care that the house remodel has tapped us out and there won't be much under the tree. My Christmas list consists of finishing the house with the mantle on the top of the list.
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