You Just Don't Know

Today I heard several people commenting about suicide.  They had the typical responses to the word that many people don't understand.

People tend to believe suicide is a selfish choice made by a person who just didn't understand how to find the positive in life.  They make comments about how awful it is for that person to have done "that" to their family. 

I have come to the conclusion that those people have lived blessed lives in which suicide has never filtered through their thinking.  How wonderful it must be to have a life that has never offered such a deep hurt to bring a person to that permanent solution.

It's personally hard to hear those comments knowing how I think and what I have been through.

Let me say that I have lost friends and family members to suicide.  I have never felt as though they were selfish.  In fact, I have been heartbroken for them that their life had taken them in that direction.

It is only honest for me to say I often feel the same way.   For the past several years, I try to make a point to share appreciation with those who care about me.  Always because I am appreciative of what they have done in my life, but also because I never want there to ever be any question.   If day comes when I truly cannot handle my life any more, I want those people to know they did what they could and they are never to blame.

Because I have spent a lot of time thinking through this for myself, I can honestly say that I believe those who take their lives are victims of suicide. 

There has never been someone take their own life who doesn't have any problems.  They are sick people who aren't able to get through that illness.  Some live with depression or chronic physical pain and others have made mistakes which they feel are unforgivable.  Some people live without any hope that their lives will improve.

Regardless of the situation, the truth remains the same.  The person has an illness and often untreated.  I believe it is the illness which drives them to take their lives.

In my case, I have an illness which statistically reads like a life long battle with years in therapy and not being able to lead a life that I had dreamed of having.  There is a good reason why insurance companies refuse to offer life insurance to people like me.  The risk is too high.

I have seen great depths of evil and often feel as though I can't possible go through another painful event.  There are even times I want to offer a way out for those who take care of me.  It only takes one blow up with my husband to drive me to want to allow him to spend the rest of his life without having to deal with me. 

There are times when I feel like a walking open wound and that there is no way out of the mess I am in.  My parents didn't want me and only saw me as a burden.  It's easy to think the rest of the world would feel the same.  It isn't a selfish act that would drive me to do it, it is the illness that keeps me down.

The truth is that unless you have been down that path, you really can't say anything about suicide.  You just don't know how deep the pain was nor how dark the place where they lost their fight.