It's almost 10 PM on Thanksgiving day and I've yet to do anything more significant than shower. I wasn't sick, not physically anyway. The reality of the season kicked my butt today and rendered me useless.
Most years, we make a whirlwind trip back to Kent's parents just to eat lunch. The last time I saw any of my family on a holiday was over five years ago. Since then, it's always been hard to visit Kent's family. They live minutes from mine and not seeing my niece's and nephew's is painful.
This year we thought we would try to avoid the emotional drag of the Thanksgiving weekend by traveling to Branson. We have a little cabin that we just love, nestled away from all the traffic and crowds. The cabin has everything we need to feel at home.
Kent made some amazing chili and cleaned up the kitchen. I watched the Macy's parade without seeing much of it, losing my focus to what was really in my heart.
The overwhelming loneliness that settles deep in my heart this time of year had taken hold even though I had tried to run from it. No family to celebrate with. No real progress in the hardest parts of my life to be thankful for this year. Not even turkey, dressing or homemade pie.
I do have things to be thankful for this year. However, I am thankful for those things all the time and not just on a day which draws you to thankfulness.
The truth is that having no children and no family and so many issues that I must live in a self-protective bubble doesn't get any easier. And....it only gets more difficult through Christmas.
My holiday funk this year just happens to hit me as my spiritual life is feeling rocky at best. All the while I have to try to produce an outward smile to make those around me comfortable.
The past few years I have gone into this time of year seriously wondering if this would be the last time I would feel this way. I don't think this year is any different. I can't help but think that even if I tried, I'd still be hit with the same problem next year.
I've been accused of being overly negative. How can it be negative if it's exactly what's in your heart and that honesty comes pouring out? Oh well, that's another post for another day.
I sincerely hope your holiday was filled with family, friends and good food.
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