Easter Dress

With Easter quickly approaching, I am quickly beginning a battle inside myself. 

For people who aren't regular church attendees, Easter is about hunting eggs, bunnies, pretty dresses, the beginning of Spring and of course, chocolate.

For the Christian, Good Friday brings the somber remembrance of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  Easter Sunday is a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus.  Many Christians will take part in one or more services, as well as the same things other people do.  Even Christians will incorporate hunting eggs, bunnies, chocolate and pretty dresses.

I know, it is a lot of wonderful things to celebrate all at one time. But it is a little harder for me to set aside the past on Easter to only celebrate the good things.

During an event at church a couple years ago and here on this blog, I shared the following from my 4th grade year:

The last time I went to that church was Easter Sunday. The lady who picked me up gave me a purple dress and white shoes. I got to change before church started. I sat and listened to a story about Jesus. I didn’t know who that was, but I felt good in my pretty new dress. For one of the only times I can remember, I felt like somebody cared about me. Church was merely a background thought that day. The beauty of the day ended the minute I walked back in the door of my house. In his anger, my dad punished me for disobeying him. He destroyed the dress and threw the shoes away. My fear of being punished again would swallow any desire I had to go back to church.

Unfortunately, that was only part of the truth.

My dad had anger towards the church, God and especially about me going to church that far surpassed just a simple punishment.

When I returned home from church in my new dress that day, I saw the anger in his eyes as he dragged me to the garage.  He tore off his belt, demanding I grab my ankles and not let go, while beating my back and legs. 

Because he had beaten me several times for going to church, he likely knew that a beating would do little to dissuade me from ever going again. 

With tears covering my eyes, I couldn't see but only sense that his anger was only growing. 

My pretty purple dress had a big white bow in back to match the white shoes.  I think that was the first time I ever had matching clothes and shoes or a big fluffy bow...ever!  My hair was long and straight with a hint of curl.  To say I felt good was probably an understatement.  It was one of the few times I ever felt like a little girl.

Being a child, I should have been naive to what danger was lurking for me as my dad's anger grew.  Being a child in my home, the only unknown was how bad it would get before he would stop.

I don't remember if it was his evil laugh or the warmth on my back, but I soon learned when he would stop.

He had lit on fire the bottom of my fluffy bow.  Within seconds, he left the garage and I was left to get myself out of a burning dress. 

I am sure it was seconds to few minutes that I had to get the dress off before it was fully on fire laying on the garage floor. 

Some of my hair had burned and smelled awful.  My feet were covered in blisters where the shoes had melted onto my feet.  When I looked in the mirror, it was hard to tell if my lower back was red from the beating or being burnt.  In the days following, my lower back and legs would be covered in blisters.

I wasn't quite 10 years-old and I was having to hide the aftermath of being set on fire for going to church.  I was a 9 year-old who had been set on fire for going to church.  I was set on fire for going to church.  Yes, I have to repeat it just to remind myself that it happened to me and it's not just a story I'm telling that I'm unattached to.

One of the awful parts of having PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is reliving things as if they were currently happening (also known as a flashback). 

There's a lot about this time of year and with Easter approaching that are causing flashbacks of the Easter dress.  It's not anything I can control and it's not the worst of the worst, so I've spent very little time being able to talk through it in counseling. 

As a Christian, I want to be able to celebrate the sacrifice God made with Jesus' death and resurrection.  But, it's hard.  I want to be in church during this time of year so I can hear and be reminded of how Jesus died for me too.  But, it's hard. 

When the flashback of that Easter dress starts, I can only hear my own screams and feel my own anxiety as if my dress were being set on fire right then and right there...all over again. 

That battle between present and past is strong in me right now as I try my best to remember that God is still actively pulling me further away from the past.

I would say I long for Easter to pass, but that will only clear the path for flashbacks of birthdays to be begin. 

As I said....it's hard!