What We Say

This maybe a subject I've covered many times and if I haven't...well I should have. I need this reminder. Often!

Have you ever considered what you're saying to your spouse? I don't mean the actual words so much as the the messages you are sending them? I don't mean just verbally either but non verbal too.

If your spouse was apart from you, what would they say their interpretation of what you think of them would be?

Of course, all of us would want their spouse to have only favorable things to say. Right? I know I would. I want my husband to always feel loved by me and I always want him to have a positive view of how I feel about him.

I know I'd want him to say that he is loved and cared for all the time. I'd want him to feel like the best husband ever because that's what I'd want my messages to convey. Likewise, I'd want him to say he has the best wife ever.

Do you think if he were being completely honest that he'd really say that? What would your spouse really say?

Marriage is hard. It's a lifetime melding of two completely different people and there's going to be a lot of clashes in that process. It seems like this perfect gathering at the beginning because we romanticize marriage. Then we learn that things aren't perfect and neither are people. It's work. It's hard work. One of the hardest parts is learning what the other person needs and how to adequately encourage them. I would even guess that those things don't even become a priority until you learn how to live with wach other physically.

Don't get me wrong, marriage is still a beautiful thing. It may seem cliche, but the greatest growth comes in the most difficult trials. The process, grace and forgiveness are all beautiful parts of marriage, despite the painful road to get there.

So, I told you what I would want my husband to say. However, if I'm honest, why would he really say?

He would probably tell you he's the worst husband in the world. He can't do anything right. He doesn't know how to love me like a husband should. He would probably tell you he feels like a failure and be down on himself physically.

Is that because those are the messages I'm sending? Yes, sometimes. In his case, I don't get all the credit. He has a very low self esteem and has several areas in his thinking that come out of his childhood. I could blame it all on that, but I won't. I own responsibility.

Despite my best efforts, I've still not learned the best ways to encourage him knowing his predisposition to low self esteem. I also let my own selfishness and emotions to say things that pick at his insecurities. I'm not careful enough and I'm certainly not loving when I most need to be.

Needless to say, I have a long ways to go before those messages are translated to what I'd really like him to feel and believe.

A wise person told me once that if I see an area of concern in my marriage, I need to spend some time considering how things look from the other side, his side. That's what I've tried to do here.

This weekend, I found myself feeling very down on who I was as a wife. Why? Because of the messages I get from my husband. My interpretation of his messages verbal and non verbal are that I'm a horrible wife and person. I'm not desirable and am unworthy of everything I have. I am unlikable. I'm lazy and could never do enough to have a clean or presentable life.

I won't go into it, but most of that comes from very verbal messages. Yes, even at nearly 17 years, we struggle to just be nice to each other at times.

I'm definitely not a perfect wife, but I do have to consider how I've been lately. It's possible that my messages need to change. It's possible that changing my messages may alter what I receive.

I wish I would have written down my ideas of marriage when I was 23 and thought I'd be a perfect wife in a perfect marriage. I'm sure back then, when I had it all figured out, my perceptions were way different. I don't have to remember it perfectly to know that I've matured a lot and learned it's a process not a perfect story.