He Knew

God knew what He was doing.

That was said to me last night. It was said by one of the only people to really walk through the last 14 months with us. Someone who saw us at our worst. Someone who sat with me for hours as I struggled, grieved and bawled. Someone who saw my crazy.

Without a doubt, this person loved us well through it. They didn't have to, we were complete strangers. My grief and pain came out is crazy and sometimes hateful ways. I was raw and full of emotions and had no place to dump them. This person allowed me to dump them in unkind and ugly ways while reassuring me that I was loved.

I sometimes forget. I forget that someone did that for me, for us. When my ugly spilled out on people who didn't know the back story or couldn't extend grace and apathy, this person reassured me that I was not only loved but was loved by God.

No doubt, 2014 will be known to us for a great long time as the year our lives were turned upside down. It'll be that way until another crisis is bigger and badder than what we experienced.

As we talked last night, I was reminded how I sat across from this person and swore that was not me. The normal me was a less emotional, less crazy. My normal is easy going with occasional frustrations or anger complicated by past hurts, but those are rare. My normal is smiling or inquisitive. My normal is quiet until I'm comfortable and hurt at the thought of offending someone. I think I'm finally much closer to my normal than I maybe ever have been.

It made me smile to be reminded of that. Not because I was right but because I was right. I know how that sounds. I wasn't right as in I'm a know it all and am patting myself on the back for being right. No. I'm thankful I was right and could predict that someday things would be normal again. A new normal but normal. Thankful God allows me to have confidence in Him at times or better yet, I choose correctly to have confidence.

Don't mistake what I'm saying. Things are far from normal, but we live a new normal. We fight the adapting we still have left to do. We want a normal that we dream of now.

Back to what started this whole afternoon of thinking through 2014. God knew what He was doing.

I didn't believe that last year. I couldn't. It wasn't within my capability. I barely had the energy some days, physically and mentally, to get out of bed.

There was never a doubt that God was in control with this move. It was bigger than either of us could control or even think of controlling. Once I got here, got homesick, got really sick and started grieving, I doubted my faith in Gods plan. I doubted I was this was His plan. I didn't curse Him, but I seriously doubted this could ever be what was best for us.

I can only share my perspective of why I know now that God knew what He was doing.

He led us to our church before the illness and grief. He used a couple people is great ways. He provided someone to love us through a tough time. He used someone to show His unconditional care and love when we needed it most.

We were so in between churches before we left and not emotionally tied to a pastor. We would have had friends to be there with us through grief, but maybe not someone like we had. Immense grief would have made me incredibly vulnerable to my family. Being back in KC would have allowed us the opportunity to bottle our emotions instead of dealing with them together.

God knew what He was doing. Each step of the way. His timing, while not our timing, was perfect. He provided imperfect people at perfect times and gave them what they needed to love us.

I don't or can't be happy about the trial. But, I can be happy for the people who recognize the journey and the progress. I can appreciate the people who walked through the ugly with us and never left. They deserve all our thanks and respect.