Unlikable

Have you ever felt or believed you were completely unlikable?

That's usually not one of my more intense insecurities. I've always been honest and passionate. I've often found that I'm one of those people you like or don't and there's not a lot I can do to change your opinion. It's not that I don't care, but I've found over the years that winning over people who have an already developed opinion of me, true or not, is not a strong suit of mine.

Honestly, that works when you live in a heavily populated and diverse area. You'll still make friends and find plenty of people who appreciate your personality.

When we moved here, I made two critical errors. One was that I acted like the person who recently come out of their shell/got comfortable in their own skin. The other was believing we would be quickly accepted.

My first error was a very natural one. I wasn't afraid to speak or share. The problem came in the people here not knowing what the past 8-40 years of my life have been like. Opinions were made about me based on my confidence and false security. First impressions were unfairly made. I don't really have the ability to change that, even if I want. Most the people could never know that it was a good thing for me to have confidence and be open.

The second error was also a very natural one. I believed if we came in, loved each other and showed love for the people and community, we would fall into place as if we had always belonged. Yes, that happened with a couple people and even some of those have been difficult. We've felt on egg shells with a great deal of people.

I'm honestly not complaining about anyone or any group of people. I'm trying to flesh out those very real feeling that bring a lot of loneliness.

We've met a few hundred people since we've been here. Most have been only once or twice and no real conversation took place. I'll be honest, we aren't very memorable people on first meeting. We are quiet and reserved.

Here's the hard part. We've been here 18 months now. Between the two of us, we have almost a hand full of relationships that are beyond surface. However, we feel stuck there. Not stuck in those relationships, but stuck not making any more.

Recently, we've had the opportunity to be in large groups of people a few times. Even though we were amongst them, we were not. We watched as they all mingled, laughed and talked. In all the situations, only one person spoke to us. People we've shared meals with walked past us as if we were invisible. One or both of us would wave or say hello and there was no response.

This sort of thing happens all the time. It's a small town. We see people in stores, restaurants and gas stations. In 18 months, we can probably list the number of times people have acknowledged us.

Most of these people have no known reason to dislike us. And, most of the time we don't take it as that. Mostly, we know that we are strangers. We know that people's friend receptors are full. We don't take it personally a lot of the time.

But lately, it's been harder. It has felt personal. I'm just being very real here. We often discuss why it feels as though we are so unlikable. What is wrong with us? What are we doing wrong? What can we do better? Do we let this be the thing that drives us to move on next year? Is God using this to teach us something or show us this place isn't where we belong?

Of course, some of this is extreme. But it's one of the most painful parts of this move. Even 18 months later. Neither of us is immune to it. It touches on insecurities. It causes pain. We are separated from one place and not quite a part of the new place.