Slipping Away Again

Now is the first day of December and I can already feel another Christmas slipping away from me. My string of A-Z problems are once again threatening to let all the holidays fly past without being able to see experience any joy. It's been several years since I've been able to decorate my house. I start with every good intention, but quickly get sidetracked. Most years I'm barely able to throw a wreath on the wall and the stockings on the mantle. As I covered before, I don't even have a mantle this year. Yes, the little holiday bug has burrowed into my heart. Not in a Scrooge-like way, but in a way throws me into the depths of depression. My husband has tried for many years to change the holidays for me. But, I've decided that might be too big of a job for one person. Watch the movies or listen to the music...holidays are times of joining together with family and friends. Historically, neither as been true for us. It's a time when we find ourselves more isolated because everyone around us is celebrating in their realms of tradition. Christmas time for me is void of all warm-fuzzy memories with family. But the older I get, the more I realize how many pieces of my tattered heart still break over what never was and what can never be. I will never have a mother who anxiously awaits my return for the holidays. Not that it's perfect, but my husband has a family who loves him and cannot wait for him to visit during the holidays. I know how badly he wants for me to have that with his family, but it's just not so. It is such a bittersweet time to be with his family at Christmas. The love they share, even in their own dysfunction, is amazing. I love seeing them all together and the love they show to each other. It makes me smile while tears threaten to drown me inside. It's not my family. Although some have tried to include me, the tight knit family makes it impossible to ever feel fully included. Since it is only the first day of December, there's still time. But, I know part of what lies in the days ahead and I fully expect the whole month to pass me by. Given the spiritual state of my life, there's not even a shred of hope that things will somehow end differently than I suspect. It's a dark place to rest when the world around you is moving at a steady pace amongst twinkling lights and even the true reason for celebrating escapes from your heart.