So here I sit in a quiet room alone at church. A room far in the back that resembles nothing of a typical church scene. I've only been able to compose myself in the last 90 seconds after crying and being in a full blown panic.
After being heavily persuaded to try bible study this morning, I reluctantly came to the church with the anticipation of miserably sitting through the two hour class. I don't blame the person who brought me, I know and she knows that I often need a giant shove in the healthiest direction.
As I walked up to the room, heard the study already in progress, I froze. My body felt as if it were turning to stone. All sound was replaced by something that resembled a tractor engine. My mind went blank and I suddenly felt as though the walls were closing in on me. I could feel my heart racing as I headed for the nearest door.
I realize that is a very abnormal response to a bible study. It wasn't the group. It wasn't the style. It wasn't really the specific content. It is my very real, very uncontrolled physical response to church. This is why I choose not to even try.
What's sad is that I have been down this road before. This is my common response to PTSD triggers. To move beyond them and overcome them, it takes doing them repeatedly regardless of how bad it feels. I had something similar happen with my own kitchen a few years ago. It took a period of time being in there and being uncomfortable. I would cry and hyperventilate and talk through it with myself. It was rough, but I did it.
Church is a little different animal. I don't want people to see me cry or panic. They wouldn't understand it because they don't understand me. They would not get it because I'm panicking over something they love and have no trauma associated with.
I don't need to go through all the reasons why again, but I have lots of trauma associated with church...both in childhood and in the very recent past. People don't know, don't understand PTSD (or the other issues I haven't shared), so they aren't going to understand this uncontrollable response.
Honestly, I hate it. I want to work through it. It is THE biggest stumbling block in my spiritual growth. It's actually a huge roadblock for several of areas I need to heal and grow in at this time. But, I don't see a way around or through it right now.
It is sad to me that my prayer before stepping foot in the church is just to be able to go in or at least tolerate whatever activity.
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