I am doing my absolute best to not focus on all that is lost today and on what is good. I have even tried to be mad at random things, but that's not working either. The tears consume me as I just let me heart sit in the heaviness of life.
Commercials, email, facebook, blogs, stores....they are all focused on today and the love that most people naturally feel. I can't escape it.
Cleaning out my email earlier, I came across a quite extensive back and forth written conversation I had with a Christian man a few years ago. To summarize, he was firm in his belief that I needed to honor my father and mother as the bible says. I stood firm in my belief that the bible does not say to honor evil, which is what my parents are without question.
My mom (notice, I would NEVER call her a mother as that would indicate she deserved some measure of respect) is not worthy of being honored. In fact, Matthew 18:6 is far more adequate for my parents. "But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it
would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be
drowned in the depths of the sea."
She doesn't deserve honor, but she doesn't deserve my tears either. My heavy heart, grieving tears are far too precious for her either. When I was young, crying was usually a sentence for more punishment. My parents couldn't stand crying. Like hitting us more would really make us stop crying any faster!
Frankly, these tears are for me. They are for what I've missed. They are for the days the past couple weeks that I've been in excruciating pain and didn't have my mom to call for comfort. They are for days like today when all the miscarriages weigh so heavily on me and I have no mom to encourage me. They are for all the beauty I have in my life that I have no mom to share it with.
Thankfully there aren't too many of these big days during the year. Thankfully, there's only one more and then I get a reprieve until fall.
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